I spent 5 hours yesterday at my family’s graves and talked to them. I put this stupid little resin rock on Mark’s grave but did he see it? For that matter did anyone see it, does anyone care? No he decided to take his life, to ruin our family. My mom and dad and Mark are with God and I’m left here to wonder what went wrong.

I have been angry from the moment I saw him hanging in the bathroom. I am angry that he chose this route. Yes he was probably very ill -- but it was free will that allowed him to kill himself. I am angry that he left me here to try to console myself and I loved him so very much.

I am angry that he was so selfish to not think about his family. We always thought about him. Now we, no I, am left to think about him everyday with pain and despair.

So, yes -- I am angry. It hasn't lifted much at all. Although most of the time I feel sad and filled with angst. The anger has not subsided -- and everyday it actually seems to grow. When I have to lay down my head at night and cry myself to sleep, or when I kneel at the graveside all alone as I pray he is safe and I will see him again one day.

I am angry that I can't show my anger or resentment. I am angry that I have to try to be strong. I am disappointed that I couldn't save him all those years ago.............I am angry that he didn't want to save himself!!


You asked me if I wanted help, so this is a cry for help. I don't know where to turn, no one understands. I hope you do.

I don't have it in me to use the angry symbol because normally I don't get angry, so I'm just using the sad one.