He totally knew what's left with suicide. He knew the pain because he felt it too. Yet, he completed it without a good bye.

What is the question? Am I angry? Hell yes! Am I angry at Mark? Am I angry at my predicament or circumstance? Well, I would certainly not choose this but here I am. Do I feel responsible for inaction, mistakes or unrealized complicity in what happened to Mark? How could we have known, he seemed like a normal kid, not a care in the world. I'm angry at a world that preaches acceptance and offers little. I am unaccepted now more than ever before and that makes me angry.

Maybe my anger is misdirected or a cover for my own guilt. I don't think that for one second but I suppose it is possible that I can’t see the trees for the forest.

I guess I’m in a mood after what the grief counselor said, that’s what ticked me off…..move on. I try to avoid this stuff but sometimes it's just so big and I am glad I have a place to spew it all - where understanding abounds - that's what I long for most.

Although he’s is in a much more peaceful place -- I am selfish and want him with me. We could be weak together and nobody would be the wiser.

And yes I’m angry at my dad for what he did to me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the son you always wanted even though I was the one who used to get up at 5AM and be Mark’s catcher so he could play for the NY Yankees one day. I’m angry that you felt it necessary to take it out on me for not living your childhood fantasy and sitting in the Yankee dugout. I’m sorry I couldn’t be your son, I'm sorry I was ever born.