hi Flutemaker,

while I don't have MS I can understand where you coming from.

The part where you ask: why ME...

I think being newly dx to MS, you have every right to feel this way. We all have to be honest with our feelings and I think you definitely deserve to feel this way because you are being honest to yourself.

Also it looks like you are depressed so when we are depressed, we seem to "press" ourselves down even more.

It is as if we're using our own hands to drown ourselves deeper instead of using our hands to pick ourselves up...

I can also understand about people saying, "but you look healthy."

all of us that can see make judgements of some sort because that's the first "impression"

and it gets harder if we give them simple answers and say: "well, I have 'this' "

and when the response is one of those of "really? I don't believe you." We then feel like, what's the use in explaining?

And it gets even worse when it comes from families and friends when you would tell them repeatedly and they still DON'T believe you...

so, you have the right to hurt feelings...

you also have the right to doubt...

it is easy to pull others down with us while we are in this state. This depression is one funny monster. It doesn't want to be alone...it wants the world to join you...

and when we are aware of that, we start to feel guilty and yet we couldn't help it...and if we could help it, we then feel like we're suffocating and then feel like the world doesn't care...and then, it pulls us in DEEPER...and then it becomes this endless loop of self-beating, denial, doubt, and then some folks will choose that ultimate road to sleeping forever.

And it's hard for us to admit it to ourselves that we're "sick" or "depressed" because it is associated with being weak....

and finding a good doctor that is willing to listen is pretty hard these days...

and with the way bills are these days, our own humanity of wanting to own things that are consider "material" would make us feel guilty cause we can't afford it yet we feel like, ya know, I've worked so hard all these years, I would really love to have that horse or that new ipod....

yet, having to weigh things out between putting food on the table and having toilet paper in the bathroom vs a horse will depress us even more.

If I was to tell you, yeah, this is it, it would be repeating your own post...

and you'd just *smack me (well, I do get smacked around here)

so, here is a ((((HUGS)))) for you and stop reading here if you are satisfied just reading up to this point and you feel like you have been "authenticated" with your feelings because I really do understand the depression part.

Below, I want to share with you a true story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

back in August, my wife and I headed up north to settle some business upstate and we took advantage of that little trip and met up with some NT board members.

it just happens that they all have MS.

We met Gazelle first, we only had a couple of hours with her because of her schedule. And we had a lot of fun.

Gazelle is aptly named. She's tall and looks like she could leap through me with ease.

But it is her mind that is "Gazelle"

she's fast on her mind and quick with her thoughts...and not just out of no where...they are philosophical as well as witty...

she's frustrated with MS but she also has learned how to move on...and it took time.


On our way home, we met up with Bets and kicker and kicker's husband.

it was raining that day, hard....and it was not a short distance drive for either one of them. But they all came.

We had a good time with Bets, kicker and hubby as well.

All are witty, and funny, and sincere. It is not my place to discuss how MS has affected them but I can say this, and that is, kicker's MS has not been kind to her recently.

Her hubby works full time and truly loves her. And he's her caretaker and his comment to us was, he's her goose. (they mate for life)

that touched us...

on that trip, we met three warriors...three wonderful human beings...they have MS, and I am sure they have their demons and struggles...but they are fighting it...

of course, there are folks here at NT that we haven't met in person yet. But as you have seen, a lot of them are warriors...

everytime I come here and I see their names, it helps me to remind me that we all need to have some faith...in each other...and that we are here to help each other when some of us are down, and will help pick each other up.

there are also awesome caretakers that post here.

I think part of our depression comes also from that we are afraid the ones we love will leave...that they'll say "enough"

and who knows, I don't have the answers....but, as long as they are willing to hang on...try to NOT question it...yes, there will be bad days for both of you and you might need to get it out...but communication will save you both...

ONE of the reasons why we all choose to get married IS based on this:

"for better or for worse"

it's true...for better or for worse...

I have been very lucky that my wife has been here for me more for the worse than better and I tend to beat myself up over it also...so it's OK...

the danger will come, when we let ourselves stay at the bottom..that is actually when we'll drive people away and then we become self fulfilled prophets...

please keep on talking...

the way I have utilize the forums is that I have learned to post my thoughts out...and it helps...don't worry about if anyone will post to you. Treat those as icing on the cake...get the thoughts out....it helps....

sending you some prayers and ((((HUGS))))

no judgements...just friendship and support...