A couple of days ago my eldest son now 16, phoned me at work and asked if he could cook spaghetti for dinner. I was shocked at his volunteering yet very pleased thinking he had taken on board a recent conversation we had, had.

basically if he helped out around the house when h was not at college, it would be a great help, and keep his mother off his back about not finding a part time job

So upon his cooking suggestion i thought well done son. when i finished work we went to visit my wife's parents, and my eldest son was in a great mood, making everyone laugh.
When we returned home, after some hesitation he told me he had been cleaning and dropped my camera and broken part of it.

I got very annoyed, not just about the camera but i questioned the circumstances of the accident, as no cleaning appeared to have taken place where the camera was . My instinct was to assume he had been using it and just dropped it.

I was so annoyed because i thought he wasn't being honest, i stewed on it overnight, and went to work although it was my day off, to support a guy at court seeking joint custody of his children, i had promised to attend as support and could not let him down. [big mistake]

I got myself more screwed up in general, and went for a drink, after vowing to my wife 6 weeks ago to give up.

upon getting home, no washing up had been done, a parcel that i was waiting for had been UN delivered because no one was in and my eldest Son was out ..................

later that night i lost my temper and threw ketchup at wall, and acted like a crazed demon shouting and roaring and basically brought forward fear to my whole family.

The camera is the most expensive thing i own [of my own]
it was a birthday gift from my wife, that meant the world to me.

it has over many months become my friend, confident, escape, and distraction from a more destructive Hobie [alcohol] its helped me to see things in clear light, natural beauty, detail, and clarity. I NEVER NOTICED SUNSETS quite the same before i had the camera.

but its only a camera, .......................why did my world fall apart............
why did i react the way i did....................i feel ashamed at my behaviour..

i also recognised a trait in myself...........when I'm annoyed with others i tend to do something that will make them hate me more.............i then feel i don't have to tell them how much they have upset me...........because by then they couldn't care less if they upset me any way.

My life has always been in black and white...shades of grey don't exist.............a row =divorce, a fight=death, or prison,,....heated words= nobody likes me........despair=suicide [today at this time thats not in my mind thank god, ...but when I'm in the barrel running around with no out...god I'm scared of my black and white view on life].....total paranoia................
WHY WHY WHY.................

I despise confrontation.............but at times i feel like I'm in the SAUNA ROOM [like Moi]

yet i cant seem to get my point across without having to turn into a psycho to prove I'm annoyed.....


i KNOW IM IRRATIONAL, i cant seem to get myself to do what i advocate to others and THINK FIRST!
SELF DESTRUCT.........Comes to mind

I'M not sure how to mend my home life, this time its got as bad as it could...get...........but i brought it on myself over a bloom-in camera!!!!!!!!!