I have random things going through my head and I kept saying today “You are forgiven, forever and always”. I haven't had thoughts of suicide in 3 days which has been a long time coming for me. I’m not sure if you know here in this forum but Monday I started EMDR for PTSD with a trauma specialist therapist. It’s really hard, it’s really painful but I have to be able to go back and relive it in order to heal. I’m not sure how many of these sessions I will need but she said I have multiple traumas and “living grief”. I’m not comfortable of these sessions because I’m so afraid I’ll have a psychotic breakdown because I disassociate, not littles, just disassociative amnesia. I wish they had never told me that. I posted in the BP forum but I saw a terrible image when I had EMDR. I’m afraid to go to sleep for fear I’ll see it again so sleep is eluding me. But I've gained my pdoc's trust and she gave me a script for Ambien.

Lately I've been sleeping with a teddy bear a lot, besides Hooper that is. I even talk to "him." I've found it very similar as talking to a therapist. It's not that the therapist has some new insight for me, but it's that they are non-judgmental. I feel safe there. I think we already know deep down what is best for us; it's just a matter of believing in ourselves. But anyway, I started to realize something. This teddy bear doesn't judge me. My room doesn't judge me. Hooper doesn’t judge me. I took a walk in the park. And the trees do not judge me. And then I started to believe that no one was judging me. That only I am judging myself. I’m starting to let go of all guilt, and love myself for who I've been, who I am, and who I will be. I saw a big part holding myself back was guilt. But I’m saying “starting” because I deleted my results of Bizi’s self-esteem test, it wasn’t pretty.

That's why I've also tried to incorporate nihilism into my life - that no one choice is better than another. There is no "right" and "wrong." It's helping me to release guilt and love myself a little better.

But basically, I felt yesterday that the entire universe loves me, and does not judge me, and that I could only love back. I’m a work in progress but I feel I’ve made such giant strides these last few days. And I'm falling asleep as I'm writing this