(((Nikki))) You need a support group...you need to be able to share what you are feeling with people who understand. I'm here for you but I can't get my arms around you to comfort you.

When people say they understand, they really can't because they didn't have the same relationship with your dad that you had. Our grief is caused by the end of a relationship with someone we loved, therefore it's personal. Your sisters had their own special relationship with your dad and it's different from yours, therefore their feelings are different from yours.

In The Grief Recovery Handbook by James and Cherry they say, "Each person experiences his or her pain at 100 percent. It makes no sense to compare your pain with someone else's. It makes no sense for someone else to attempt to understand yours. They have found that anyone who has suffered intense emotional loss has expanded patience and tolerance for another's grief."

My friend, who lost her son last March is in such anguish....when will this end? she asks me whenever we are together. Her emails are heartbreaking in that there is nothing I can say or do to fix it. I assure her, as I try to assure you, that it will get better someday but it takes as long as it takes.

Michael died in Jan. of 1990. He lives in our hearts and I am finally able to reach out and try to help others in this nightmare. Please try to find a support group near you (preferably a suicide support group but a grief support group could be helpful.)

When looking at my library for a book to recommend, I was struck by the titles....The Forever Decision....and it is one but not the way the author wrote it.....Making Sense of Suicide....as if it would make any sense to us, ever! No Time to say Goodbye....that's a good one...~sigh~

Please know Nikki that we are here for you and I am so very sorry that you are having to live through this.