Dear sweet ((Alffe)) I wonder if you know that I admire your courage and
strength. It must hurt something fierce to reopen wounds not completely
healed. Yet, you do this time and time again to help people... to help me.
I just love you!

I tell myself every day... if Alffe can do it, so can I. Some days I even
manage to give it a good run. I have tried therapy... I was told I had PTSD
and to take more medications. More medication, is not going to help me work
through these feelings. I just felt I was being offered a quick fix, drug her up
to shut her up. So I stopped going.

I have talked with several Stephen's Ministers at my church. It is so sweet
that these folks care and want to help. But, it does me little good to hear
about a kind loving God, and how one day I will see Dad again. I do believe
that. I have to believe it. When I lost my baby, I turned my back to God
for some time. I am not a hypocrite... if God knows what is in your heart,
why try to hide it? The anger I aimed at God, helped with my healing. I am
not sure why or how but I know it did. Now, I can't even be mad at God...
as I need to believe He is holding my Dad and taking away all his pain.

I have tried a grief support group, but it was all I could do to sit there. The
pain is so different when you lose someone to suicide. I know you KNOW this.
I didn't get to be there for Dad, hold him as he left this world, I was robbed
of my chance to say good-bye. I found no peace listening to those who were
able to do what I would have given anything to have done. I hope that doesn't
sound heartless. I know it hurts to lose a loved one, but as I have said before,
with a "natural" death, there is also peace. I just can't see how there can
ever be peace with a death by suicide.

I have read so many books on grief... perhaps it is where I am in my "grief
process"? But, they do little to help me. In fact they **** me off! Embrace
the grief, let yourself feel........ WTH??? Let myself feel? I am being consumed
by this grief.

This leads me to think, the only place I will ever feel understood is sharing
and learning from those who have also lost someone they love deeply to
suicide. That is why having this site is such a Godsend! Perhaps too, it is
time to try the SOS support group again?

I did try before, but couldn't go in. I also tried to do the SOS walk... it
was this past Sunday....... I just couldn't do it. I will keep trying...
thank you Alffe , all of you... for being here