today was terrible.

Ibarely slept at all last night, and had to wake Mike up at 5a. then I went back to "sleep" till 8:30 to shower and get ready for training for CVS at 10am. After 2.5 hours of listening to the manager read the book of whatevers, I left to get gas then go see my Pdoc.

My pdoc took me off wellbutrin because it wasmessing with my sleep and I was having more mood swings on it then ever before. I asked him about a mood stabilizer and hes like "thats only for people with bipolar" as if like me having BP wasn't even an option.

The wellbutrin wasn't doing anything for me. It actually made me more depresssed and kept me from sleeping.

He's also a liar. My first visit he looked into my insurance info and told me my copays were $5 a visit. I asked him for a bill instead of like paying each time because I didn't have a job and I figured it would be easier...

WELL Today I get the bill (there was some confusion over my home address/mailing address cuz theyre different.)

For August (the month I started seeing him) and theres 4 visits. Three that I went to and one missed one.

The Visits are $15 each and $30 for the missed one.

ARE YOU KIDDING!? I'm angry. He said $5 per visit and he never explained cancelled visit costs.

I need a new pdoc, or the next time I see him I'm going to tell him "Hey I started working my schedule is going to be all over the place, so I'll call you when I have a question/comment/concern and we'll meet on an as needed basis"

I litterally feel like I've been duped out of money. I've been going to see this guy for HELP every week for a while and all he wants to talk about is drug interactions nothing about my issues, and he's lied to me and to be honest has treated me terribly.

Next visit I'm going to tell him straight up. I wonly need to see you 'as needed'' and for refills which I'll just call him for, and since I now have a job. after I pay by back copays I'm going to just pay for the visits everytime I go, so If I need to leave at any point I don't leave owing him money.

Once that's all settled I'm going to try to figure out my insurance. If I don't take at least 4 classes next semester, I'm not covered on my dad's insurance which scares the hell out of me.

I need to talk to the school councelor guy and explain about school/insurance/the disailities department because apparently the disabilities deparment can give you like a reduced course load but keep you on insurance.

All of this is so hectic and confusing it makes me dizzy. Everything is connected and I don't like it. I want to be able to knock items off my 'To Do' list but I can't take care of one thing till I do other things and those other things can't be done without parts of other things and it's just a circle I keep running myself in. I need an outside influence to straighten me out.

I hate that I have to say that but I need help. I'm dependent on other people when I'm in trouble or can't figure it out on my own. I need a therapist/life couch, someone to help me straighten everything out and move in the right direction.

I feel like its roadblock after wrong turn after dead end after rotary and I can't just get the things done I need to get done. I need help.

I get so discouraged and upset that I can't just DO ANYTHING on my own.


I almost had a panic attack after the CVS training because I'm working tomorrow and for a while I had no idea where my SSC was. I asked my dad if it was in his safe, and it was. I was all worked up and worried about not having it tomorrow but I had it at the end.

Litterally when I got out to my car after the interview I was tweaking out, organizing all the paper work and putting my sweatshirt and all that back together and all organized on my seat and putting my seat belt on and turning on my windshield wipers I was getting so overwhelmed because there was no order I was trying to do so much at once and its been raining so I couldn't see out my back window (no back wiper) or side windows and I was afraid of hitting things (i'm terrified of driving to begin with)

and on top of all of THAT its been VERY VERY windy so all the leaves are on the roads and theyre wet and my tires spin in the wet leaves and it scares me so much that i'll try to pull out onto a main road or through an intersection and because my tires don't 'catch' i start slow and i'm going to get hit.

I'm going to mikes house tonight and I'm terrified of driving out there and I'm nervouse for work tomorrow.


The description of the pharmacy job sounds like its going to make me VERY anxiou sand feel rushed and overwhelmed. The manager kept saying 'busy', and 'hurried' and 'quickly' and 'always moving' and I was getting dizzy/anxious/ getting a terrible ball in my stomach just with hes explaining it.

He was explaining how you can advance in the company, and he said if you want to do x amount of training you can be inventory specialist and I got excited because I love organizing and making sure things are in order.

That's why I'm interested in Medical Coding/Transcription or Acounting. It's all making sure everything is filled out and organized and ORDERLY. I would honestly love to fill out paper work all day or do data entry. Those jobs, just thinking about them makes me feel better. The manager of CVS said 'if you think this job is task related youre wrong' which I'm upset about, I'd honestly love to sit there for an 8 hour shift and just count out pills and fill bottles, but he sai deveryone rotates and I'm like :/

I know they're not going to be sympathetic to my anxiety/depression and if I'm anxious of whatever or feeling overwhelmed they're going to be like, "hurry up!" or "lets move it!" or something and I'm terrified I'll have a panic attack =/

I just wanna cry and lie in bed.