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Senior Member
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,194
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Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,194
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No matter how long and hard you search for a reason Nikkey, you won't be able to answer the "WHY" that haunts you. Each suicide is individual, regardless of the generalizations about the "whys", and there may be no way you will completely understand your father’s thought process and that’s the part that sucks.
Your journey through grief cannot be compared to another person's journey. You will grieve in your way and in your time. Grief does not have a set time limit. The only certainty is that it will take longer than you want it to. Fear, depression, anger, loneliness, despair—these emotions come and go with dizzying unpredictability. Your life is like a roller-coaster ride that you can't get off.
Stay on the ride. You can't hurry the grieving process. My grief counselor told me each time one of these emotions comes flooding back, it is a sign that you are recovering. No matter how long it has been, you still carry a portion of your grief with you. Emotions you already dealt with come flooding back at the most unexpected times. Grief's timing is not your timing. Just yesterday I was in the supermarket and saw a pack of baseball cards. It all came flooding back how Mark used to collect them, put them in binders, cherish them like they were gold. I stood in the middle of the produce aisle and suddenly I found myself absolutely shaking with sobs. Fortunately, there was no one else in that particular aisle. All the feelings, thoughts, and emotions came rushing back. I started thinking of my mom and how she’d probably be home having her nose buried in a cookbook trying to come up with the perfect Sunday dinner if she were still here. I left everything in the cart and walked out the door.
You feel as though you've been in this pit, this dark tunnel, on this roller-coaster ride, far too long. There is no microwave healing Nikkey. There's no way you can just zap it, and you're better. If there was, I’d set that microwave on high and zap all our pain away.
The holidays are bearing down on as and for me it’s an emotional land mine. The emotions you feel on those days can be as intense or even more intense than the emotions you felt at first. But try to remember the good times; cherish the memories, but live each day moving forward. Focus your thoughts on what is before you and how you are going to get there. And you will get there Nikkey 
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Cats nap, only humans put them "to sleep". Sterilize, don't euthanize!!
BJ
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