...you are so right Alffe. That is just one of the things that I love so much about you. You can tell it how it is, call a spade, a spade. You are showing me what I don't want to see, what I don't want to admit, what I don't want to be true. Everytime I come out of that place, and into the sunshine, I think it will be the last time, and I won't have to fight anymore. But its not true, is it? I need to be more grateful for those moments, however brief they may be, however quickly they may come, and go. Pter, what an inspiration he was, and the legacy he has left...I re-read his words, and I know that is me, because I am learning to do the same thing. I learn something with every battle. Perhaps, I learn how to battle, and win. And, hopefully, how to help others in the process. Somehow, it lifts the burden a little to finally admit it, to be able to talk about it. It helps to know what I am facing. I can grapple with it better. I tend to be the ostrich with its head in the sand. I can't believe how far I let myself get. It scares me for family, and others, to have to walk through it. I know I am not going to make a lot of sense right now. I am a bit emotional, and I have so much I want to say...do you remember the baseball thread? I was trying to remember what name you had chosen. I remember the name I chose was homerunning...and I remember Pter's reaction...remember when he posted songs for all of us? I still remember some of the ones that he posted for the people there. I guess I am getting sappy. I have tried to go and find some of those threads, especially the poetry. I lost most of my poetry. I wish I could find, "The Oriole Sings All Through The Winter." I will never be able to re-write that one. But I don't wish to go back. Despite where I am at, I am more well than I was then. Five years of hard work on myself. No, it has not made the depression go away, but I have my sanity, and I will fight tooth and nail for that, or die trying. (((Nikki)))...I will fight hard not to let those years go down the drain. I understand well the words, silent sufferer...and you are right...the darkness does feed on silence, and inaction, whether that inaction be our own or that of others. Thank you Nikki for the encouragement. I tend to let myself believe that I really don't make a difference to anyone, that I could silently slip away, and that would be Ok. I know it is not really true, that is part of the battle, just a small part of it. OK, enough already...