((((BF))))...you are hurting, and I hear it as well. I wish I had some easy answers. But I don't. What you are going to walk through will not be easy. I have experienced some of it. I was in the middle of a slow suicide attempt right before and after my father died of lung cancer. I didn't just lose my father, I lost nearly everything. My life lay in shards around me. I had to give up a child I had raised for 7 years, who was like my own. The circumstances around the situation were very emotionally traumatic. My 17 year marriage was coming to an end. It was not something that I wanted. My father was dying of cancer, and I, along with my mother, were his caregiver. Although I have 5 brothers and sisters, my father and I were very close. Major decisions about his life and death were left up to me. I was also suffering from chronic pain which left me almost unable to function, and sleep at night. (major shoulder surgery). My best friend who was only 36, and had 3 small children was dying from breast cancer, and I was trying to help her. It all came crashing down when my father died, about a week before Christmas. We were left with nothing. My mother was cheated out of a 100,000 dollar life insurance policy, and left with a lot of debt from my fathers battle with the cancer. My ex skipped the state and left me with two teenagers to raise. We literally had nothing. My mother had to sell everything, at a time when we were both completely grief stricken, we had to give up everything else too. I am sorry this is getting long. My point is, there is a way. I had a 'mental breakdown' I did not even realize it at the time. My mother and I moved into an apartment together, with my children. My actions caused much grief between us at a time when we should have been supporting each other. I went from 135 pounds to 90. I thought I could just 'disappear this way.' We got help anyway we could. My mother is a true survivor. And, yes, in some ways, I did have her. Which is different from your situation. But you have something that I didn't have. I did not know that I needed help, much less how to ask for it. And nobody in my family did either. We are taught to 'suck it up' and deal with it. My mother and I had no way to support ourselves. She finally got some help from the VA, I got food stamps, and some small amount of medicaid for the children, and began the long battle for child support. My mother and I went to college together, with the help of loans, and other support systems. And we did make it. Within a year and a half we were working. I honestly don't know how I made it through all of that. I have some of the same problems that you do. But I did make it. And if I can, you can. We just have to keep trying and be diligent. According to the scales they like to use in psychology, all the stress factors that I went through during that period, should have killed me. But, here I am. And here you are. I am praying for you my friend. Please hang in there. There has to be an answer. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and trying. I'm sorry this was so long.