...thank you David...and that doesn't really even say what I feel....I feel very grateful for this thread. Thank you for expressing what I could not. I have been looking for a place to express just such experiences, and feelings, but have not found one that I feel comfortable in. I feel the need to connect with people who have been on our end of the spectrum. To contemplate suicide is one thing, to make a serious attempt, and survive it, is quite another. And, yes, it is a huge elephant. I was only 12 years old when I swallowed a whole bottle of aspirin. I truly did not feel that life was worth living. I will spare everyone the details. I love my family but it was very dysfunctional, and so was I. I had PTSD (didn't know it, undiagnosed, untreated. Still isn't. I'm not ready to go there yet. I won't put out here what happened, as it might be a trigger.) I went to bed that night, thinking I would not wake up. But I did, though extremely ill, as you can well imagine. Too ill to get up, too ill to talk. My mother sat at my side, and I never told her what I had done. We never went to the hospital, so I was spared that. I should have died, but I didn't. I did recover, and I never told her till years later what I had done. I still don't tell people about it. When I had to tell my new doc that I could not tolerate aspirin products, he asked me why, what happens? I couldn't say the word suicide. After much silence, I simply said, "I tried to check out..." he looked at me kind of strangely. And then I said, "I didn't want to be around any more." It was left at that. And I can't help thinking that it is affecting the way he is treating me now. My strange 2nd attempt is in another thread. I was saved from that one by a mental breakdown. Blessings can come in strange packages. The 3rd, and I hope final, is a nightmare that I am not ready to share yet. But I will. I think it will help me to finally make peace with it, and myself. And if I can do that, then I can help others. I have read that once a person has made an attempt, they are at a higher risk to make another, and succeed. I would hope, and pray, that those of you who contemplate will not make that choice, because it makes the battle all the harder. And only one who has been there can understand it. I really don't believe that it is the answer. It is a lie, and an illusion, like a mirage in a desert. We need to work to find answers. David, I don't know what the questions are. But I've no doubt they are there, unsaid. ...maybe, just perhaps, I am a survivor.