((((((Bob)))))),

I didn't realize you were divorced -- that's makes it hard -- for both you and your EX. This is a time now when everybody that has any contact with your son AT ALL has to be on the same page.

Saying "He'd be better off dead" or "I wish it were me" is not helping at all. I understand the emotion behind those words -- I'm a Mother. But, you all have got to work together. Sick/injured people can feel negative energy. You guys need to try to project a postitive energy. Your son is still alive -- Thanks Be to G-d -- this is truly something to be thankful for.

G-d forbid that your son is permanently, severely disabled by this -- BUT, if he is -- he doesn't need anyone devaluing his life. Look at Steve Hawkings. He doesn't move or talk and yet he's had a magnificent life. Not just in his head. I even understand that he has no trouble finding 'partners' ( ).

Your son was an incredible, amazing, one-of-a-kind human being before the accident. He'll be the same when he's able to get past the pain.

Dahlek is right -- it takes a while for your head and your body to catch up with each other after a major injury. You, yourself, must know that if you've ever broken a bone, your body has a heck of a time adjusting to doing things differently. But, it does adjust.

I've got some advice for you. I worked for a year as a home health aide. I was a full-time aide for the local visiting nurses' association. I had 25 patients that I rotated through over a two-week period. Most were cancer patients. Some were elderly stroke victims.

The most incredible example I have ever seen of a family coming together was the family of a 94 year old man with stomach cancer. Thanks Be to G-D, he had no pain. He had me coming every day to help him bathe and dress and change his bed. He had a homemaker who prepared his meals and cleaned his house. Now this is the BEST PART: There was a big calendar on the refrigerator. Every single family member -- from children to grand-children to great-grand-children had a task on that calendar. Someone took him to the barber. Someone else took him to the doctor for his checkups. Someone bought the meat. Someone bought bread. Someone bought household supplies -- like toilet paper, paper towels, cleaning supplies. Some of the younger ones just visited him.

No one got burnt out. No one felt left out. No one had to spend too much time and too much money. Everyone got to feel useful. And, best of all, that dear old man had family every single day of the week. Not like the "have to" visits that some people make to the hospital or to a home-bound, terminally ill person. Everybody was there because they WANTED TO BE.

You've got relatives. I don't know if you and your EX have re-married. If you have, you've got spouses that can participate in this.

Order that book about "Therapeutic Touch" from Amazon.com or borrow it from the local library. (If you send me your address, I can mail the book to you.) Have everyone that has any contact with your son learn how to do The Touch. It will calm him and stop him from thrashing about. The only requirement is that you have to feel calm inside yourself when you're working with him.

It sounds like the trache is reminding him of when he was younger and had trouble getting a full breath. That, to me, sounds like he's trying to breathe. Have they discussed removing the trache yet??

This is another thing that you might want to think about. Since there's EXs involved and you're both trying to catch the doctor to ask questions -- how about if you come up with a simple little form for your own use on a clipboard -- have things like heart-rate and pulse and stuff like placed on it but, also have the nursing staff make comments like 'he slept well', etc. At the bottom leave a place for your and your boy's Mother to ask any questions that you have. FORCE everyone on the hospital staff to use this to communicate with you guys (including the doctors). Have a notebook. Leave it in the room. Make your EX aware that it's there too. You guys have got to learn to work together.

It would be easier if you could just read the records. But, records are too technical and you can't write on them yourselves.

You and your boy's Mother could turn this notebook into a sort of diary of his recuperation. If you have any thoughts about how this makes you feel, write it down. Sharing your feelings on the same paper that Mom writes on will help you guys work together. Eventually, the notebook can be copied so that the other parent has a complete copy.

I found that when I was going through my divorce, it was much easier for he and I to communicate in writing. Instead of being a two-way communication between you two, this is going to be three-plus way of communication. You guys with the doctor And the nursing staff with you guys.

Talk, too, with the nursing staff and the orderlies and the doctors. Everyone. Everyone that begins to see you and the boy's Mom as feeling, caring people will help to get better treatment for your son.

Talk with your son. Read to him. Get some CDs that relax one and play them for your boy. Again, go to amazon.com and look up "brainwave symphony" -- you want these two: Brainwave Symphony: Delta and Brainwave Symphony: Unwind & Sleep. Other companies make similar ones, but, I have experience with these.

I'm still praying for your son and for you and your boy's Mom and sister. You're all in my heart, too, Bob.

Let me know if you want me to mail that book to you.

Bless you all. HUGS

Barb