 |
Senior Member
|
|
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,194
|
|
|
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,194
|
Nope, no rules in this circle. Just love, compassion, support and friendships. 
Mistiis the feelings are mutual  I want you to be here, I want you to survive. You can do this. You can beat it. If I can anybody can. It's been a long battle but I'm here today. A lot of people say I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. But in my case it's 100% true. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for everyone in the SOS forum and the BP forum.
I’ve always been embarrassed about what happened 2 summers ago so this is hard. I haven’t even gone back to read the thread. I remember calling the Crisis Center, talking at length with a counselor about my obsessive suicidal feelings. Thoughts danced in my head for days, dreaming of ways to carry it out. I sat in my yard day and night grieving over my parents and brother. I only wanted one thing, to be with them. I had 100’s of mosquito bites and never even knew it. Everyone here talked to me day and night encouraging me to fight. Then while I was talking on the phone there was a knock and the police where at my door, who took me away. They take me to my room, everything is bolted, widows, a desk, chairs and even my bed.
This is hospital ‘incarceration’, better known as the “psych” hospital. I remember sitting in that police car bawling my eyes out thinking I had to see a judge and might be sentenced for being suicidal and (to some) selfishly wishing to end my life.
In actuality I was calling out for help; frightened. Knowingly, I prayed to terminate this life, yet scared stiff to carry out my plans. I had all the pills lined up, I only had to take them. I only wished out of this soreness of depression. Mental illness is ‘incarceration’ all on its own. Who would desire days in darkness, peering out of the ‘bars’. Lying there terrified, shivering, alone peering down to shackled ankles.
I felt shut-in. My roommate sobbed throughout the night. Next-door neighbors screamed; pleading for help. I saw the staff psychiatrist the next morning and in 11 minutes all he said was that I was on ‘suicide watch’, and removed privileges, no visits outside the hospital until the end of the week.
I've been back there once more but I'm so determined not to go back again. The holidays are coming and they're always so hard on me since I'm alone. I have to keep saying to myself that I have 600 million angels watching over me 
__________________
.
.
.
.
Cats nap, only humans put them "to sleep". Sterilize, don't euthanize!!
BJ
|