Hi all,
As some of you may have noticed, I haven't posted in awhile. I am in a pretty bad place emotionally, and I just don't know how I am going to be able to get out of it. I have not been to school this week, because I am just so down. I don't want all this hard work to go down the drain, but at the same time, I am just feeling like crap and can't do the school thing right now. Laura is not happy with me because she thinks I am not trying to get better right now. She asked me if I am afraid of getting well. I told her yes, because I don't know what it feels like. I have had support of one kind or another since I can remember. Even before I got help, I was depressed because of things kids would say to me at school. I just internalized all of it for years, and then around the age of 14 got to the point that I could not hide it anymore and started going to therapy. I had a series of bad therapists, and then I started DBT which has changed my life for the better (When I use the skills, that is.) I had a wonderful therapist (who lives in Colorado now.) I still write to her, and that helps too but I think before I started recieving ACT services, I would have done better if she hadn't moved. ACT has helped for the most part, but I do hit bumps in the road, and this is just a really big one right now. I shut down when I get severely depressed, and I have done that. Laura has to watch me take my meds now because I have not been med-compliant lately. That is not me. She even mentioned the hospital, and it scared me. I have not been in the hospital in over 2 years. I have been in crisis stabilization many times, but it is not the hospital. She has not mentioned the hospital in some time, if at all. I am scared I will end up there. I just don't want to be alone right now because I am scaring myself with my thoughts.
As you know, I have had a low grade depression going on for a few months now, but I feel like my complaints have been ignored and it has gotten to the point now that I am doing things to spite people (The ACT team, and my mom.) The other day, Saturday I believe, my mom said something that confirmed that my family's expectations of me are not the same as my own when I am healthy. She expects that I am not going to succeed at getting my bachelor's degree and that the associate's degree, if that, is what I am going to achieve. I know in my heart that I need to use that as a spring board for doing better, rising above their expectations of me, but I just can't right now. I am very angry at my mom and my family because they don't think I can succeed, and it is making me feel the same. That is why I have not been to school at all this week, because I just want to avoid it right now. I know I need to go back on Monday, but right now, my heart is just not in it. I haven't been taking my meds as prescribed because I feel that doing something to harm myself is the only way to get the team to understand there's a problem. I know in my heart again, that that is wrong, because yesterday Laura told me that they would walk beside me wether it be in the hospital/crisis center or here at home, but again I feel that my complaints have been ignored for so long now that I have to do something drastic, and it has me in a bad place. I just feel like giving up. I am tired of fighting......because I have bad thoughts everyday, and they just want me to keep doing things that are stressing me out to the max. And quite frankly, I can't do it anymore. I want to quit but my concience is telling me otherwise which is causing internal conflict for me. I am just plain tired of this, but don't want to do anything to change it. Does anyone ever get stuck in a rut like this? If so, what helps you to get out of it? I will stop rambling now because I know this post is long enough, and if you have gotten this far, I commend you. If I do end up going to the hospital or crisis home and don't post for awhile, you'll know why. Thanks for reading.