I have been thinking on this a lot.............
I truly did not know Dad was depressed. It came as a total shock to me when my step mom told me he had admitted to his doctor he was depressed. Even more shock came when I learned the doctor did nothing, NOTHING to help him.
I sit here now and wonder how in the hell can that be? How could I have not known?!
I knew his favorite food, color, actor, book , movie... etc etc .. I KNEW him,
he was a part of me. Yet, I did not know this most vital information.
With this also comes the unrelenting questions that haunt me, had I known, would he still be here with us now? The what ifs are as bad as the whys.
The thing is, a few years before while he was having cancer treatments, I did know he was depressed. He even told me. He said many times that winter upon waking, he would ask God why? He did not want to be here any more.
So, I live with that now. He got better, I thought he was ok now! He didn't mention anything else since. But............. now I wonder....... and wonder....... did he not say anything to me because he could clearly see how deeply his pain hurt me? I was very supportive of him and tried to help any way I could.... I let him now how deeply I loved him, how greatly I needed him in my life..
I think on how bummed out he was every winter. We always called this cabin fever. Lynn gets it as well. I didn't know it could be anything more serious than the ill feelings I have towards the cold and snow after a long long winter. I think on it now, last winter we had record breaking snow.........
Yet, I couldn't see he was depressed.
Upon hearing we were to have yet another March storm, he got up from the table and said, yes, I think I have had enough..............
The last drop to tip the cup over? The wind that fed the perfect storm?
I sit here now and think about him. How proud and strong he was. Though I am 41, I still call him Daddy. He was my superhero. Now, I think about how he always said there ain't no lace on my panties. His brave face that I always adored. My pride over his 23 years in the Army. His strength I always leaned on.
He was invisible!
Yet, now I almost despise that brave face and strength.. as I feel it made it impossible for him to reach out. There is not a damn thing I can do about it now....... but oh how I wish.............
I guess my point is, I did listen, I did help and I did show him how deeply he was loved. He DID get better. Yet, he obviously sunk down again, and this time he suffered in silence. IF ONLY, IF ONLY.............
It breaks my heart to think he couldn't or wouldn't share with us. I know how deeply he loved us, I can only imagine how hard he fought to stay here for us. That his pain was so great... the thought of it can destroy me.
This one line keeps playing in my mind.....
Quote:
And often somebody will say, I am only staying alive for my loved ones, and that is very true…
But at the point where they kill themselves, their judgment is so impaired and their pain is so great…
That even that isn’t enough to keep them going."
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I imagine we all read or hear something that clicks with us.... this is the first thing that was able to make me truly understand, his death was about
him and his pain........and not about the pain he left me in.
It still breaks my heart! But, since hearing this I have been able to let go of the anguish that he didn't love me enough to stay. It is a start.... a major one.
I know this may sound odd... but you know how you can miss someone so much that your heart truly does ache? The pressure, has lessened a little. 41, and I still call him Daddy... and once again, I know without question he loved me and didn't want to leave me. *crying, so I think I will stop here.......