((hippiechick)) You always make perfect sense to me I think with all you are facing in your future, looking upon your past is only natural. The good ol' days... it is a gift to be able to look back, cherish and remember. I think the key is that while doing so, we don't forget to live in the here and now. I'm guilty of doing that now too. Again I think it is a natural reaction.

I am glad you posted tonight This holiday season is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I was so bummed over Thanksgiving, that I didn't even have to say anything, my family could clearly see what I wasn't putting a voice to. We skipped the big family gathering, but we had dinner here for the kids sake. I made it, but it is odd, I STILL feel like I have the worst hangover. I can only assume it is emotion overload.

Now Christmas, has always been "my" holiday. I am one of those obnoxious people who decorate their whole yard, trees in every room, decorations galore. I flourished and glowed, it has always been truly magical to me.

Dad, now he hated all holidays, and Christmas was the worst. I never completely understood how that could be. I knew he lost his mom the day before Thanksgiving, I knew he was watching his brother die through Christmas, and I knew he died on New Years day............

Though I knew his pain was great, I didn't fully understand how the loss of those loved ones, could take all the happiness out of the holidays. He did still have so many who loved him, and whom he loved. I never understood how he couldn't miss them, but still treasure the season with all of us.

Now, now I do. The magic, it all gone now. I have lost others I loved, but none as close as Dad. I know many daughters are closer to their moms, but me, I was Daddy's little girl through and through. I have never lived more than 20 mins from him. He was simply everything to me. So, it only make sense that all the magic I have always felt, died with him. He has been a part of every single holiday I have ever had, HE was part of that magic. I am aware enough of my emotions to know the way he died plays a huge roll in this.

So ((Hippiechick)) I think you make perfect sense! I too wish to skip over the whole damn season. BAH HUMBUG !!!! I haven't cried since Thanksgiving morning. Not even when we went to get a tree........ I can only assume I can't cry, because I am going through another one of my "numb" periods.

I wish I had some words of wisdom regarding your son and grandchildren, but I have never had to deal with anything like this. I guess the best advice I could give is to always speak with your heart. I am so sorry you are in so much pain right now, if it helps at all.... you DO have family right here who care greatly. Big cyber ((HUGS)) and much love my friend Nikki