((Mistiis)) I sit here in awe of your strength and courage. I could guess from the bits and pieces you have told us... I can only imagine how hard this was to share. My heart breaks for the little girl in you, and I just want to wrap you in healing protectiveness.

I am not as strong as you. Though I truly do care so much for all of you, I could never share my past. I don't think it makes me particularly weak, I think it is more that I have already been through the healing process you are in now and I just can't go back. It is so painful, but you truly DO come out "whole" on the other side. The love is stronger and "purer" It is difficult to put into words.

My reason for sharing that is though I can't talk about things that happened, I do want to share something about dissociative reaction or black outs as I experienced. I am not overly religious in that I don't practice the "politics" of organized religions, but I do have strong faith and belief.

I have rarely shared this with anyone, and hope I don't make you all think I am a nut.... but you know how you said you have no memory of the actual event? Well, I have a belief that explains why. I believe that not only does God bless us with black outs when things are so traumatically dreadful... I also believe we are "taken" somewhere to help us while it is happening.

I never thought anyone else quite understood what I was feeling... In 2000, a year after my diagnoses, when I was going through my darkest time with wishing I could end my pain, this song came out. It was written by Harley Allen and sung by John Michael Montgomery .......... I think I should stop talking now, and just let those who wish to, listen to the song.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijs2iignd5Y



She said I know that man up there on that cross
I don't know His name
But I know He got off
Cause He was there in my old house
and held me close to His side.............