well - I really believe that my completely insane childhood and adolescence completely screwed me up... I didn't ask for that and I didn't have any control over it. a clinician i know says that kids who have survived trauma tend to experience trauma over and over compared to kids that did not.

i used to think i had all this control lying under my skin that i could just tap into and magically fight off all the demons.

at 42, i'm disillusioned. i do my best to handle it all. i try very hard to figure it all out.

the best i can say is that i think i've managed to figure out how to make it STOP.

the problem is, i'm too old to go back and undo all the lost years spent in caustic relationships. i can't go back and pick up the things i failed or gave up on.

now, I'm old - and so many things I think would mean much to me are off limits to me because of my criminal record and psych history.

this is my enigma. what am i going to do with the rest of my life to make it mean something?

anything...