This is something I just had published in a local paper. Thought you might like to read my valued opion.


TV OR NOT TV

I hadn’t really invested much time thinking about our television set until just lately. To tell you the truth, I can’t remember the brand. I think it’s Magnavox, but that may have been the previous set. Sony? Take your pick; they both sound right to me. I think it’s about a 21" screen, but I’m not going to get up and go measure it. It’s big enough to see from across the room, small enough to fit in the cubby next to the bird cage.

Recently I have been forced to think about it, due to the exponential escalation in the number of reminders about the impending changeover to all-digital. I understand that this will be legally mandated, though I’m not sure why. I suspect it has been explained to me, no doubt more than once, but then, so was algebra. We have been assured by the on-screen powers-that-be that, since we have a satellite dish, we are immune from the various awful things that will befall the unprepared. I considered sending for the coupons and purchasing a converter box, just in case terrorists blow up the satellite system or something, but I’ve procrastinated almost long enough to make that a moot point. Our working theory is that whenever the Magnavox/Sony conks out, anything we might buy will have the necessary technology, whatever it is.

The last time I bought a TV, the choices were black and white, or color. Now I don’t even understand the choices. I’ve done a little research, mostly to avoid making a total fool of myself by answering “I have no clue” when the next person asks if we have hi-def. How embarrassing to have to be informed that HDTV is not a cable channel, but a whole new way of looking at, say, football.

I unearthed a recent issue of Consumer Reports and checked out the article that attempts to explain the various options and how to choose. Most of it was gibberish by the time it got past my bifocals. Technologically, I am barely beyond the stage of wondering how Captain Kangaroo got inside the little box. I was slack-jawed by the time I perused the pros and cons of plasma and pondered what LCD and CRT might possibly represent. My heart missed a beat when I came to the question, “Do you need full 1080p resolution?” Um, as opposed to what? What does the “p” stand for? What if I say no, and I really do need it for something? Is this a trick question?

There was one sentence in the article that was clear enough to get my attention: “You can get a decent LCD for under $1000.” I looked for the punch line, but there wasn’t one. Are they KIDDING? A thousand dollars for a TELEVISION? There’s nothing being televised now that would motivate me to spend that kind of money to see it more clearly and hear it better, and I can’t imagine things will change that much for the better.

We do have a second TV, more or less, and it isn’t ready for the apocalypse either. I bought the cheap little set somewhere, probably Walmart, with a built-in VCR (shows you how long ago THAT was) but I had a little problem setting it up. I thought I pressed the right buttons as I went from screen to screen, but I did something wrong. Apparently do-overs are not allowed. I tried several times to back out and start over, but I ended up in a digital loop straight out of Groundhog Day. I decided to turn it off and unplug it, figuring that over time it would revert to its natural state and I could start over. That was probably about two years ago. My theory is, either the first theory will work out, or maybe an antique dealer will come along and make me an offer on it. It’s already vintage.

Back in the forties, my Dad attended Coyne Institute in Chicago, and learned to repair radios and televisions, eventually working for Television Specialists in Windsor, then in Claremont. In the early fifties, someone gave my dad a non-operating old clunker, a heavy square box full of tubes that Dad resuscitated, and it was more or less faithful to us for many years. When something gave out, my father patiently repaired or eventually replaced the faulty part. I remember him sitting with a schematic spread out on the kitchen table, the maroon-handled soldering gun smoking as he cobbled the old set together again, just in time for that evening’s round of westerns and What’s My Line?

We’ve had our primary TV for a few years. I’m thinking eight or ten, but maybe not. Sometimes when you push the button to increase the volume, the channel changes, so we use the remote to adust the volume now, even Bob. The last time I made a comment about getting the thing repaired, the person to whom I was speaking chortled, “You’re kidding, right?” So I keep it going by giving it a firm look when it flickers or makes an odd sound, and saying “Don’t you dare!” But just in case that method stops working, I do have a plan. When this dinosaur finally gives up the ghost, we’ll remove the insides, and Bob and I will take turns standing behind the screen making faces at each other.