Paula,
I think I do know what you're talking about. It's one reason I haven't been posting nearly so much...after the revelations this summer about conflicts of interest in the medical world - it just seemed like the more I became informed, the more grotesque and unbelievable it was. I kind of fled the country feeling overwhelmed with uselesness and a simultaneous serious decline in my own condition - and this was before the economic crisis truly hit, although I could feel its inevitability in the winds before, because it was starting to look like everything on which we had based our trust and our feeling of advancement as humanity in the technological age, even the development of civilization through scientific materialism, suddenly seemed horribly undermined by corruption, by bias - cultural, market, and otherwise. And our feeling that we could find wisdom through objective observation, through applied technology, and the sophistication of technique seemed to add up to nothing when so easily thwarted by dishonesty, clumsy inefficiency and its coverups, etc. I looked at my father, who had worked on the world's first computer back in the '50's, and said "what hast thou wrought?" Just the very revelation that many of the different brand-name products that we buy and are advertised to us are actually all exactly the same thing made by a couple of plants in China, affixed with different labeling and different marketing schemes, was somehow really a disorienting and mind-boggling concept for me.

But I feel somewhat different now. Most of that has come from realizing that at my core, I have to determine my own reality. And that thought and intention do determine action and result. And that healing does come from within. I have "known" that for a long time, but it wasn't until the last few months when, far away from all that I knew and loved, I lay there and thought well, who am I really? And what would it feel like and who would I be if I was a person who had more than enough serotonin and dopamine in my body? whose sense of life energy was not impeded? After all, energy flows through our universe constantly around us...why shouldn't I have enough to be able to live and walk around and do what I was meant to do? And I realized that the answers lay nowhere but within myself. Some kind of mysterious process occurred in me after that, where there became some part of my core that could feel and depend on its own strength with a sense of certainty, and a determination that I could wield my own strength against whatever it was that was out to vanquish me. It's hard to explain. A feeling of inner certainty and truth started to become more than an attitude, more of a real experience that I could absolutely rely on.

Some of this I achieved for myself by turning to ancient and traditional wisdom as imparted through my contact with some very special indigenous peoples. This was a very strong experience for me that gave me a sense of continuity beyond the parameters of what we think of as our times. And some was by connecting to the love and good intentions of many people who are still out there, who are sincerely doing their best to do good despite a corrupt system all around them and a world in shambles. That love IS real, and there are still good works being done, and many people I think have gotten inadvertantly caught in a system that when they stop and deeply examine themselves, they realize has compromised them greatly. But as you and I have found out, Paula, that discovery can be shattering, and it's a great struggle to come to terms with, both in oneself and others.

But I think this whole process of examination, of profound disillusion, is very necessary for humanity as a whole as part of the process of - at the risk of grandiosity - but global healing really. The transition to a new paradigm that respects our planet and the people on it - all life on it - and realizes that there are more important things we should be cultivating than the ability to consume at a more and more relentless and ultimately heartless pace.

I think that's why I have thought of PD as a profound disease and one that is strongly emblematic of our times, because it concerns the very core of life energy in a way. Movement is life. SO what we are confronting physically is the depths of what it means to be alive, to take action, to be real. And our struggles and suffering I feel are tremendously important to the world's progress, because our experience can resonate in an exponential way as the rest of the societies around us come to terms with illusion, the limits of how we thought we could define and experience the material world. I realized that if I was going to live, I needed to change something about myself so that I was not that person who would be sick in that way - I can't find other words for it. But I needed to change, to admit the mistakes of my past, to take responsibility for my actions, to live utterly sincerely and to accept when I feel I have done my best, and then trust another power to take care of my destiny. To discipline myself to think positively, more even-handedly, especially in moments of hysteria and anguish. To humble myself and appreciate everything around me with great intensity, and live fully as possible in the present moment. The present moment - that's what we have as our only reality - but paradoxically to balance that with the realization that the seeds of change too are in every present moment, and that what we do now will shape and define the reality of the future.

I don't know if this sounds like gobbledygook and maybe it does. It's hard to explain. However, I do feel different than I ever have in my life. My family says I seem totally different than I have ever been in my whole life, and I do find that I am more and more easily restructuring my responses to life. And I have no doubt that I am in recovery from this disease. On a practical level, it has meant being somewhat protective about my own energy and sharing that - at least for the moment. But also it has meant just accepting that I have to do my own research, trust my own instincts about things, and make as informed decisions as I can, based on what I know. Or based on my knowledge and trust of the intentions and skills of the people with whom I exchange anything. However, I am finding this to support my inner process pretty effectively. It's quite a journey though. And I salute my stalwart and valiant PD knights errant who accompany me, whether I have found you in flesh or spirit.