((((jestersnow)))) its good to hear from you. I am sorry that it is under these circumstances though. Your questions are questions that many who lose a loved one to suicide deal with. I am not a survivor of suicide in the sense that you are. I have not lost someone to suicide. Some of the members are away for the holidays. So it may be a while before you get feedback from them. But I want you to know that we are here for you.

Where is he? A very good question. Why doesn't he show himself to you? Another good question. Those are questions about life, and what happens afterlife. There are many beliefs out there. I can only give you mine. Mine are not based on blind faith. They are based on my life experiences. I know without a doubt that life exists beyond death. I know that prayer is powerful. If you keep praying you will get an answer in some form.

I don't feel that I can express some of my beliefs and experiences in a public way. I will try to send you a pm later. But, no, I don't believe that he went to hell. That is a common mis-conception. He will not be judged by us, but by a loving God who knows his heart and his pain intimately.

Feeling that you want to be with him, and commint suicide to do it, is also something that others here have felt. Nikki has gone through this, but her mother is ill right now, and I don't know when she will be able to come in and help you with this.

Just keep coming in and talking about your feelings. Get them out. BJ was in an accident, or she would be here to help you as well. She deals with having pictures of the suicide of her brother in her head. They are very hard to deal with and replace.

Are you seeing a therapist? CBT may be a help. Time...it takes lots of time.....the pain is not going to just disappear. But it will get better. Please know that. Hang in there, and keep coming back.

Hopefully someone else will come in and offer some sage advice. ((((((big hugs))))))) to you jester....

I do deal with suicidal thoughts. I can help you there. The thought of suicide is a way for us to cope with our present pain. It seems to be the answer to get away from the intense pain that we feel. You may also feel guilty because you are here and he is not. These are difficult feelings to deal with. They are painful feelings. It is natural to look for some relief from it. Suicide seems to be the answer but it is not. It is an illusion. Please don't give in to those thoughts. Read some of Pter's stuff at the top of the page.

Hope, that things will get better, is important. And they will, again, over time. A lot of time. Try to find something that makes you smile, anything. Do something that you like. Instead of picking up the phone and listening to his voice, think about someone else in your life that you love, and that you want to be there for. There are other people in your life, that need you, and that you do love. Think about them....