You're right. I am very isolated. I do have my mother who is very close. That is really about the only constant though there are a few other preople (sister and one friend) still in my life.

I have lived in constant pain from migraines for 25 years. During that time I managed to teach for 14 years and had a very active life. Then I had a ridiculous trip and fall on a field trip that left me with spinal damage - both cervical and lumbar. Post surgery, I can finally sit up again, but the pain is constant. I pushed everyone away and basically in most cases they let me so now I am homebound with no where really to go anyway. I have gotten over the initial anger and depression, but I destroyed my social network and now I have to live with that.

Because of our health problems and not being neat freaks anyway, this house has become a pigpen. I know that shouldn't matter at a time like this, but the thought of a hospice nurse in here is mortifying. I know very little about hospice, but I guess I will be looking into it.

My husband is definitely not ready to quit. He has another chemoembulization scheduled on Friday if he is well enough. I'm expecing them to cancel it when they see how sick he is which will tear him apart because he is hanging his hope on this chemo gelatin balls surgically implanted shrinking his dozens of tumors back to a size which would make him a surgical candidate again as he has done remarkably well through all his previous surgeries. We also went through all the available experiemental treatments from a local cancer teaching hospital.

I have tried to tell him that whatever he needs and whatever he feels is ok, but I don't want to take him down a road he is still fighting against. It is very hard to balance. We don't even have wills since it is such a touchy subject!

He is also no longer able to carry my wheelchair and push me to doctors appts so I don't have access to his oncologist. We have been to many doctors and second, third, fourth, and fifth opinions, but we are back to his original oncologist who told us in 2002 he has about 4-6 months to live. We came back to him after the most recent oncologist told us he has 2 months to live on Sept 11, 2006. We did go out to dinner as a "Greg is not dead" celebration. Since then he has weakened dramatically and quickly. Until he started getting very jaundiced yesterday, I thought maybe if they could get his red blood under control he would get some energy back. Then I realized he has way too many symptoms of actual liver failure.

I also don't want to ask the hard questions when he could overhear me which is why I posted back here. The braintalk board used to be my life line when I couldn't sit up. I could actually kneel in front of the computer and feel connected. Lately my own pain has gotten worse and sitting here this long right now and even walking down the hall can be difficult. I have to choose between turning onthe computer, showering, or trying to come up with dinner. I simply can't do more than one in any block of hours.

Thank you both again for every single word you wrote. I will reread them several times and take everything to heart. and I'm also extremely excited to have found this pain board after losing braintalk. I'll have to work on making the computer a priority for my own sanity.

Thanks again,
Suzanne