JS - I am a survivor, like you.

I lost a dear brother to suicide in 2000 and my first husband 3 years later to the day.

I do not believe either one of them went to hell.

Many who have lost loved ones this way experience the same feelings you describe and have thoughts of "joining" their loved one. These are difficult and must be dealt with but they do eventually get better or at least easier to deal with.

I have had dreams throughout the years - I don't know whether they were my mind dealing with the pain and loss and guilt or if they were messages from "beyond". I don't know that we should look for signs or dreams or messages - but some people do have things that occur that seem to be signs. My daughter asked God to show her a sign that her Dad was in heaven - she asked for a 4 leaf clover. The next day someone sent her a card with a 4 leaf clover in it. Coincidence? Maybe - maybe not - but it has given her comfort.

Please keep coming here and talking about your feelings and learning from the wisdom and comfort that is offered so generously in this forum.