PJames, I am urging you to go and see someone. Your not in the right place right now. Seriously, you need to go now before it's too late. Find a good friend, loved one or anyone to listen.

PS: I think your wife may notice more than you know. I have never forgotten when Jim was in his dark place. It was a hard time for all. Your pain affects not only you but your loved one's as well. Talk to her and don't stop. Trust me on this one.