**WARNING: May be long***

You sound so much like me! Not saying that's a bad thing.....LOL. I dealt with a boatload of anger within the first year or so. Angry as heck at the "people" in charge at my job who refused to spend a lousy $100 to fix that broken handle. Angry at my replacement cook that morning who didn't show up causing me to have to stay there past 6am when I was supposed to be going home so hubby could get there and cook for the day. (the more I thought about that one,I thought maybe if it hadn't been that morning it would've been the next night or another one). I still resent Jose for not showing up.

I was extremely angry at the idiot docs for treating me like a piece of garbage. Diagnosing me, then taking it back or minimizing what I was going through. Withholding meds. I was beyond angry at work comp for making them do that to me and having some no nothing desk jockey sitting in an office passing judgement on me because they didn't like the letters RSD.

In short.....for the rest of things in life I was angry.......at the pain I was forced to endure with no help, the uselesness of my stupid leg and within a few months the rest of me too. Not being able to do what I used to do. Having found THE job I loved and having it yanked from underneath me. The ignorance of other people and despite knowing me having them talk about me behind my back saying I was lazy and faking it. Oh yeah....I never called off work unless I was half dead!! In the almost 3 years I put in I had called off a total of 2 times. Pffftttt. I said..whatever!!! I've never been lazy a day in my life!

So....now I'm done with my life story. LOL Anger, even so much IS normal!!! Some of us may have more than another but we all have gone through it. Angry at ourselves, our bodies that have betrayed us. How useless we feel at times. I've had anger "issues" my whole life but despite all of my life being one big living he** I survived!!!!!! What does help...how did I "get past" or "get over" it?? Writing.....or typing it out. I've always been a writer so it was natural for me to turn to the one thing I knew best. Sometimes I open notepad on the computer and type it all out, save it, go back and read it later then happily delete the whole thing! A lot of it, all the words, my heart and soul, are sitting on pages in my huge journal book that I began in 2004. I have beat up and almost killed many, many innocent pillows and cushions. The poor things didn't stand a chance against me...what with no arms to fight back with and all. BUT...it did make me feel a lot better. Arms affected you say? Well then throw those suckers on the floor and stomp on them!! LOLOLOL I found this a much better way to vent it out than punching very hard,solid objects which would make my hands hurt for days and leave my poor knuckles bruised beyond repair. Get some play dough or air dry clay and take it out on it! (also great therapy for hands and arms too. Gentle and easy when you're not beating it up) I find other things to do....read,paint by number,dive into doing my family tree. I surround myself with the ability to get it out one way or the other. Venting here is a good thing too. Who better understands? Next month will be my 6 years and somewhere in the past 4-5 years I've lost that anger, the searing heat of it anyway. I'm still angry at times, especially when my pain is up and I feel like a baby, frustration boils over when we struggle to get the bills paid and there's nothing I can do because I can't work.

There's no easy answer but trying to channel it elsewhere...put it out for yourself so you can examine exactly what you're angry at helps. Being proactive....researching, understanding every single thing, going after the treatments you deserve or want to try. You do these things already and that's a good thing. If you like music, put it on! Listen to what suits your mood. Pamper yourself once in awhile and once a month have a full blown pity party! I do and boy has that helped me.

Sorry this is so long, but I hope somewhere in my words you and others take comfort in the fact you're NOT alone and maybe find something, some tool, to help you get over the hump you find yourself straddling right now. It's possible but everything takes time. You have a right to be angry and upset and don't let yourself or anyone else tell you different!!!

BIG BIG Gushy Hugs,

Karen