((Tammy)) ((Alffe))

Alffe, you said something that is ringing in my ears.. "let go....let God"

There reaches a point where there is nothing else one can do. I find, I have reached this place. I wonder if I can share something that is inside me. Something I am not proud of, but something I have had to face. It was well hidden until Christmas Eve when I thought for sure my Mom would not survive the night..................

I wanted to be with Mom!!!! But, who would care for Lynn? In my deep grief and fear over Mom, something came out of my mouth that still shocks me, but I know it is what my heart has truly felt since Dad took his life in March.

I said.... God forgive me..............

" My husband is dead, he has been gone for years! I am in love with a frigging ghost! I lost my Dad because I was so consumed in caring for this shell of my husband I wasn't able to be there to see Dad needed me.......... now my Mom is dying and I can't even be with her!!"

Something inside me died that day. I had faced the truth I was trying so hard to hide. I gave up the pretense that my husband was still here with me. This man that I love because he holds the soul to "MY Lynn" , is not the man I fell in love with. He is a stranger to me! "My Lynn" has been gone for so long I truly feel a widow.

I separated Lynn into two people to survive. "My Lynn, the ghost, who I would always hold in my heart and love till the day I die" and then .. the other Lynn.... who physically and emotionally abuses me every day, who doesn't know his children, who thinks I am his mom, who has stolen the man I love.

Right or wrong, I do blame this shell, this man- who took over my husband, for my Dad's death. Perhaps it is easier to have someone to blame. Perhaps it is unfair. But facts are facts. I have ALWAYS been the light in my Dad's life. I over everyone, could and always have been able to cheer him up, make him smile when he couldn't see through the dark.

I could not be there for Dad when he needed me the most. I will live with that until I draw my very last breath.

I am breaking, without a doubt. I have never been so deep in darkness in my entire life. I didn't know these depths even existed.

On top of this, I had another TIA stroke. There is irreversible damage this time. Not too bad, I AM ok.... but I may not be so lucky the next time. I was warned over and over that I had to place Lynn in a nursing home or this would happen...... Now it has. And now, I have to admit.. the time has come to place him.

The guilt, the pain is consuming me. I love him so much!!! Yet, he is already gone. I hate Alzheimer's with every fiber of my being!!! Such a cruel heartless disease.

Well, that was hard to share!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, I have learned, only through sharing can I stop it from consuming me... to find the strength to face another day, to just keep swimming.

Love to all, and as always, thank you for giving me a safe place to share. Nikki