When I helped people along the years I never once thought of it as a scoreboard, afterall I never once expected to need help, but as I have thought back over the years I would be lying if I said I did not wonder why there was no help for me!

I mean I knew the homeless guy could ever repay me and I always thought family were supposed to be there for you in times of need, not that I imagined in my wildest dreams I would need them, and that is why it was such a shock to find that they were unwilling to give me shelter when I needed it!

I have a very strange family, the ones that never did anything for anyone are the ones getting the help, but if you treat a family member with love and respect, you get nothing and that is what makes me bitter!

What I did was because I could and wanted to, because they were family and I can't even count the strangers I have taken in and I never even told anyone when I did a good deed ( unless it backfired and I got robbed more then once) so it was not done for any pats on the back and I expected no metals, and when I played santa for families down on their luck it was with the understanding they never know where the gifts came from so I am not looking for any paybacks, I am just shocked that it turned out that way if you are understanding me at all!

I just have a different understanding of what families are for then they do, there are givers and there are takers, and I for sure am not under the taker side, I have worked hard all my life for anything I got and at times felt guilty that I had what others did not, but I was willing to go out and bust my butt to get it and I don't believe in helping those that are able but too lazy to help themselves, but I was more then willing to share what I had for those that were just down on their luck!


If it is an addict I will feed them or give them a ride but I am not dumb enough to give them money to buy drugs with! Just this past Christmas we had nothing for ourselves because we made sure certain kids would have a good one, and we did not take any credit for it!

I have been taking a stroll down memory lane this past week or so I and it hit me that the only time I saw any family it turned out they had needs and I was so grateful that at the time I thought they were here to see me, and now I know it was with open hands that they come so yes I am feeling bittter and stupid and used and its just the way I feel at this moment and I am trying to be as honest as I know how!