awww (((BJ))) I'm so sorry. *tear
It's been such a horrible time for you.
I hope you know that many people actually share some of the thoughts and feelings you've just written down in their own lives. I certainly have felt that way at times in my own life. In that you're really not alone, although you may feel so desperately alone in your physical being.

I think it took me many, many years to stop blaming myself for what happened to my mother and father and that had nothing to do with suicide, but I still blamed myself for one reason or another. It was instinctive I think.

Took me till I was in my mid 30's to acknowledge that it had nothing to do with me and then I was able to really move forward and grow. I guess I've felt as if I've been alone all my life and as I really have little memory of my own parents (Well, none of my mother, and a little of my father], had to just keep moving along, sometimes big steps, sometimes little steps, sometimes backward steps, but fortunately mostly forward steps lately.

BJ, when you are not feeling so low and vunerable, there is a really great book that helped me a lot. "Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss" - by Hope Edelman. I think we've talked about this before on this forum or that may have been with Wish, I forget.