Talking about 'it' I wrote out a post yesterday just to have it disappear, and decided maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
Then I wake up this morning to all of this. So, I guess I will try again. Suicidal thoughts are difficult animals to understand. I think there are many reasons they may be there. And, Lara, I can tell you from my own experience that once you have actually tried suicide seriously, it does become, I think, like a habit.

I won't go into my first suicide attempt because it is elsewhere. But I was very young, and very serious about it.

I have tried two other times, under very different circumstances. Which is kind of interesting, because the third try I was very mentally ill due to a thyroid crisis. But, I am not sure everyone who reaches that point would still decide that suicide was the answer. But, then, most do not survive that kind of crisis.

Anyway, the point I want to make is that suicide can seen like the only option when all doors slam, and the person is in a bad mental, emotional state. And there can be many reasons for this.

My last almost attempt was not very long ago. I had tried to post about it yesterday, but lost it.

So here, I try again. I had reached a point due to the circumstances in my life that I felt I had no alternative. I had tried everything. And all I did was beat my head against a wall. Something happened to me in what should have been a very safe place. And it triggered a suicidal response in me. I tried to tell my best friend, at the time, that I was suicidal, and I was told that I was flirting with the devil. And this person is a certified hight school counselor. go figure that.....
Anyway, she couldn't help me. And then I got into it with my significant other. I knew I needed to make some major changes in my life, and I couldn't seem to get that through no matter how hard I tried. I just reached a point of realizing that I just couldn't take anymore. I couldn't change anything. No matter how hard I was trying. I was tired. Done.....I walked to the bathroom, with nothing in mind, other than I couldn't bear anymore. I locked the door, undressed, and climbed into the shower. I huddled on the floor of the tub with the shower beating on my back. Great wracking sobs shook me over and over. And the thoughts came so easily on how I could just end it all right there and how easy it would be. I wanted to do it. My head was filled with how to do it. I cried, and I prayed. And cried, and prayed some more. After, I don't know how much time. I finally stood up and finished my shower which took a great amount of effort. And I started just putting one foot in front of the other. Each step took a tremendous amount of effort. I didn't have some great vision, or great ideas on how to change my situation. Just enough strength to keep putting that one foot in front of the other. I think prayer got me through that. Otherwise, I would have carried through with the plan my mind was presenting to me.

I know this is long. I am sorry. I am just trying to get it out before I lose it again. Now, quite some few months down the road I have made those changes, and have experienced joy like I have never known. I still have sorrow, and I still fight those thoughts, but it is easier somehow. And things are still working in my life, that make it well worth living.

Ok, I hope this will bring hope to someone who is struggling. And having to make that great effort of putting just one foot in front of the other without knowing how things will come out in the end.