I wonder what it means in this mixed up head of mine... that I have never felt shame because Dad took his life. I know in my heart he tried as hard as he could, for as long as he could.

When he took his life last March, I had immense anger. I find now that my family, that I , need him the most, my anger levels are right back.

I wonder that the only shame I feel....... is that I recently, think of my strong, brave, highly decorated war hero, Dad ....... as a coward. I don't like these thoughts. It rips me up that I have them. But I will not pretend I don't have them. You can't work through feelings if you hide them.

I talk to him a lot. He and God. I question many things, I demand answers even though I know I will never get them. Last night while sitting on my hands, rocking fiercely back and force to try to rid my mind of its thoughts... I told Dad over and over what a coward he was. That is the only shame I feel