(((Nikki))) Sometimes I have trouble responding to you because I don't want to tell you the truth, or at least my truth. You know that I refused to talk about Michael taking his life...my husband told our friends, doctors, dentist, etc...not to try to talk to me about it because that's what I wanted. Not a good thing so I am so glad that you are talking about what you are feeling.

I finally, years after he took his life, talked about it on a public forum to complete strangers (well not complete strangers because I trusted them) and they, Pter in particular because we emailed in addition to posting, picked me up off the floor and gave me back my life.

My point is that after finally grieving properly, finally talking about it, finally learning to reach out and share what my family had to go through, and trust me....there was a LOT of anger...almost more anger than guilt..one reason I was so angry at him was because he left an 8 year old son behind....but finally I came out the other side.

I remember Michael's laughter...the joy he brought me...taking him to kindergarten and having him return home almost immediately because he wasn't ready to go there...memories came flooding back and I no longer remembered first, the way he died. And it will be 19 years ago this coming Jan. 23 or 24th..

But!! and this is the part I don't want to tell you....last year, when that grown up son had a son of his own....Michael would have been a grandpa and I became a great grandma....all that anger came rushing back..it enraged me and while I have calmed down some...it still infuriates me to think of what he is missing....what we all are missing.

(((Nikki))) Just keep being honest with yourself and know that we are here for you.