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Young Senior Elder Member
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 11,298
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Young Senior Elder Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 11,298
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I woke up thinking about you Seams and your trip home. It reminds me of a lot of things in the past.....most of them "firsts". I "spilled my guts" to use a graphic phrase, on OBT and I forget at times that this is a new "home" and not everyone knows about our son and what his suicide did to us.
When Michael joinned the Air Force and met the woman he would marry...I rearranged his bedroom...turned it into a den w/bookcases and when he brought her home to meet us he kidded me about his room disappearing. Told his wife..."Here's what used to be my room"! However, he did notice that I hadn't touched his closet..his clothes hanging there, his desk in there...yr. books..etc. He suggested that it'd make a nice "phonebooth". 
When he died, I slept in one of his shirts for a year because it still smelled of him. I gave his young son one of his dads' shirts and he slept in it also.
I remember the police coming to our house that night and I resented their probing questions when in reality they were just doing a difficult job...suicide is the only kind of death where the police get to come out and invade your privacy while you're in shock.
I remember walking about the cemetary with a loaded gun when he was newly buried...it made sense to want to join him. I remember crawling to the bathroom on my hands and knees because I was unable to rise. And I raged at God.....why MY son???  And I was furious at Michael for leaving this terrible legacy for his son.
And I still cry....especially this time of year. But I laugh too because we have wonderful memories and the anger has been replaced with a sadness at all he has missed and is missing.
So go home...go bravely home and know that you won't be alone there. It's ok to cry. ((((SeamsLikeStitches))))
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