Hi Roz,

You are an expert detective indeed.

As a former psychiatric social worker, I am all too aware of the hazards of self-experimentation; especially when I'm planning to remain deliberately unaware of the details of the research involved (so as not to contaminate my expectations). I have decided to ask my daughter, who is about to start grad school in social work, to review the research and alert me to anything she believes I should know.

I wish I could include my neuro in my plans, but I feel he would just do the common-sense thing and tell me to stop. Why not just stop?

First, 60 minutes would not have discussed it, opening the door to such self-experimentation, if there were any known dangers. More important, I think I am clearly suffering from a PTSD that is destroying my quality of life to the point that I can't work and see suicide as the only release from the emotional pain I'm going through.

I haven't found any words to describe the Hell my life has become except to say I believe that the PTSD is already killing me; my continuing weight loss is approaching a dangerous level despite every effort to reverse or at least stop it.

I mentioned quality of life: I am bed confined; too weak to transfer without assistance or perform any of my ADLs. At some point I will reach the point where I cannot live at home, which would mean a nursing home. Many people can accept this alternative, but I am not willing to surrender my autonomy to the next CNA on shift. I manage my meds better than anyone else could, and besides, nursing home food would only aggravate my weight loss.

I know that suicide is almost universally rejected, but while I believe most suicides should be prevented, I don't believe it is always wrong: Depression is the leading cause of depression; depression is treatable and suicide would almost always be a mistake. Those in terminal stages of a disease, however, should, I believe, have the right to choose to avoid needless suffering.

Quality of life is important to me, and while PTSD is not a terminal disease, it has, in 3 years, brought me from an active (mentally) and passionate advocate of what I consider the only realistic hope of helping people achieve significant remission and an opportunity to live again; to a lethargic, wasted man unable to even summon the energy to talk to others, much less argue my position. My life has become meaningless to me; all that remains is the constant battle against the most terribly painful thoughts and memories. Today, I have no desire to live another day. I think the only thing that can restore that desire is the ability to work again; I have made so many attempts but all have failed.

At any rate, I have no plans to take my life in the next year. I think life is impossible without hope, so I must still have hope (even if this self experiment fails).

On the other hand, besides weight loss and quality of life, I have been taking pain meds of increasing potency (and destructiveness), every day for 27 years. I can't expect my liver to last forever.

I think few would understand why I haven't left my wife, after all, it is her behavior that led to this PTSD; I don't understand myself. But I haven't left and probably won't. Even fewer would understand my concerns to avoid leaving her penniless, but they exist. In April, 2008, my disability from employment with the state will end, as will $69.000.00 of life insurance. Before then, I will have to make a decision. If I am still alive and losing to PTSD, I am sure of what I will do.

All is not hopeless, however: For years I have been getting retirement benefit statements from the state, each telling me I have none. Then two months ago I got a statement that I had now been vested and at age 65 will receive a significant lump-sum option and a couple hundred a month in benefits; enough to survive on. If I can find a way to write again, a way to find meaning for my life, I will have enough work to last me for years; this fight against the medical establishment will not be quick or easy, but so long as I can affect one life, mine would be blessed.

This is why I am willing to take a minor risk in experimenting with this drug. It is safe and effective, the risk of overdosage minimal and its potential, in my life, great.

I think anyone else reading this article and thinking of trying this therapy needs to know that it is not going to relieve the depression caused by RSD or other factors. It is intended, as I understand it, to combine a maximum concentration of the negative thoughts, feelings and memories of a traumatic event with a drug that will minimize the emotional affect of these things; hopefully permanently. It is not a panacea for depression.

Do you suffer from PTSD? How do you know? Self-diagnosis is unreliable; in fact, though I have used the word and have training and experience in diagnosis and treatment of mental health disorders, my self diagnosis is tentative at best. It is only the terribly dramatic effect these thoughts, memories and feelings have had on my life in such a short space of time that lead me to this self diagnosis.

I would try to learn a diagnosis if that were possible, but it isn't; I'm bed confined and while our "victory" over the mental health center offered some hope when hope was needed, it provided no real help. My "therapist" was much more concerned with regaling me with stories of his experiences as an NSA linguist than he was in talking about what I needed to discuss. There is, of course, no hope for any further in-home assistance.

I must choose between self-experimentation and continuing as I am. For me, this is a no-brainer...Vic