I can relate to all of this! I used to in my younger years think anyone that could take their own life had to be a coward, and that included myself! As the years went by and I saw all the suffering as a hospice nurse began to understand much more and my own experience last month made me rethink all of this! I can truly say I was not in my right mind that night, and but for the spark of sanity left in me I to would be gone! I love my family no matter how they have treated me and never once did i give a thought about anything except that I would be easing their pain by leaving this world..the pain of having to help me, of hiding plans for a weekend trip because I may want to go, the financial burden I felt responsible for! Now of course I can see the dumbness of this thinking and was even able to patch things up with my sisters by sharing all of this with them and hopefully I just may get more support but I won't be betting my life on it ! I also took control back from dh by letting im know I will be putting all my backpay in my own account in case I felt the need to get away from him and so far it has scared him enough to treat me better then I thought him capible so far! I don't know if the good will last but it feels amazing to feel I have some control over my life again and I don't want to risk losing it!
I couldnot have done all of this without the help and support I found here and I will be forever grateful and who knows, maybe someday I may be able to help someone else!
Sorry for the book!