I think I probably know how you are feeling right now, because I went through something similar just a few years ago.

Most of you know that I was a hospital nurse, and one night I worked a shift on the medical ward. We weren't overly busy that evening so we were in and out of each patient's room frequently, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

Room 1 was a single room just near the nurse's station and as you can imagine, it was fairly noisy at times with the phone ringing and staff talking amongst themselves. With that in mind, it was nothing new for the patient using that room to close the door at night.

This night I'd given the gent in there his medications at around 9:30pm, and the next time I looked, he'd closed his door. As this was not unusual and the patient not seriously ill, we left the door closed until it was time to do our regular hourly check on everybody.

By the time that hour came around, he was dead; he'd hung himself in the bathroom. The police think I was the last person he talked to, as he hadn't made a call from his phone, and he didn't have visitors that evening.

Looking back over the evening there was absolutely nothing to suggest this gent was contemplating suicide. Like you I wracked my brain trying to remember what he'd said, trying to see if I'd missed something, wondering if there was something I should have said, and didn't.

This man had only been an inpatient for a few days, and the only consolation for me was when the doctor told me that the patient had probably been planning suicide, but waited until he was in hospital because he didn't want his daughter to be the one who found him (he lived with his daughter).

I still have this gentleman on my mind, and every now and then I go back over that night, all over again. I don't think there was anything I could have done, but I'll always wonder.

Please know that I'm thinking of you.