I am going to post this one thing, because I don't want it eating me, then I need take a break for a bit. March is looming, the one year anniversary.........

Dearest ((Alffe)) I am comforted that you have found this peace with your beloved Michael. I hope you know me well enough to know what I am about to say, is a reflection of my thoughts on my Dad's death. I would never do or say anything to hurt you or anyone here.

Dad was stone sober when he took that gun and shot himself. Dad's death was indeed tragic, but it was not an accident. I wish to God it had been. I wish he had been drunk or on drugs. It wouldn't make the pain less, but it would give me a something to blame.... other than him.

I know what it is like to hurt so badly that you just do not think you can face another day. I KNOW!!! But I damn well do it!!! Before when I was going through my darkest time in my pain, I wanted to die to end that pain ....so badly that I went to a Minister to ask if I would go to Heaven. He assured me I would. But he didn't stop there, he was someone safe that I could talk with. And I didn't stop there. I sought help, I fought and I fought. Much like a physical illness will not be cured by wishing it away, neither will an illness of the mind.

In my pain I did think of my family, I couldn't do it to them. So when I couldn't fight for me another moment, I fought for them. Then I only had an inkling of the pain my death would leave behind. It wasn't until Dad took his life that I knew .....truly knew, the hell suicide leaves behind. Now it is a fact, no matter how great my pain, I will not hurt others as Dad's suicide is hurting me.

I feel it worthy of repeating, Dad's hell, did not die with him! It now lives in me, it now lives in every single person who loved him.

I admit I am in a very bad place right now. I truly can see both sides, hell, I am living both sides!! If it sounds like I am angry, it is because I damn well am. It breaks my heart that Dad was in such pain. I can feel my soul being ripped apart. When Dad couldn't fight for himself any more, why didn't he fight for me? He didn't even give me a chance to help him. I know he fought, but damn it, he didn't fight hard enough!

This is the face of suicide..........



The last picture of Daddy, not 2 weeks before he took his life...


How could I know?? Why didn't he tell me?
Why? WHY!!!??? What if.... WHAT IF!!!???