Hi there:

First of all, I'd like to give you a hug!! Several hugs because we all need hugs from time to time.



You've certainly have had your share of family and friends with addictive personalities haven't you.

I'd like to share my story with you.

I had a verbally abusive mother and a really loving father. I once wondered "why on earth does he stay with her"?

I always thought EVERY 12 YEAR OLD KID COMES HOME FROM SCHOOL TO FIND THEIR MOTHER WITH A GLASS OF SCOTCH SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, RIGHT?"

That was what I grew up thinking. I really didn't know anything about alcoholism, co-dependancy, etc.

I never liked the taste of alcohol so I never drank. I DID EAT!!! Blew up to 300 lbs by the time I was 40. Killed my knees and got diabetes.

Didn't get the light bulb moment until years later, but I got it and it took!!

I've lost friends to lung cancer, anorexia, obesity, you name it, they all had their THINGS!!

Oddly enough, I'm the only one of them who GOT IT!!! They resented me for it, but I understood. I never preached. I knew enough not to. They had to find their own way.

I got tired of going to funerals.

My own mom, drank herself silly until she was 79 (and looked 100). She got emphasema from the 5 pack a day habit). When I went to see her, she asked me to go and buy her a pack of cigarettes. I opened her handbag and told her 'you have 28 packs (I counted them". She said 'oh".

I asked her doctor and he said "the nicotine is in her brain, she can't quit now". I said 'oh , I know this".

But what really got me, was when I visited her (we lived in different states, in the nursing home where she and my dad resided (they actually allowed them to reside in the same room in the nursing home), UNTIL, my father could not take my mother's abuse any more, and they shipped her to The Sunshine Home, where they promptly lost her.

And here was I, in Brooklyn, NY, flat on my back with sciatica, trying to hunt down my,...then 78 year old, mom.

I finally found her. Got her on the phone and she blasted me saying "Get me out of here".

We had to put her back with my father. She passed away from her various woes, and THAT'S WHEN MY FATHER BLOSSOMED. Never saw a man get better so fast. He had congestive heart failure, but after she passed away, they made him the nursing home mailman and he scooted around in his scooter thing. They actually took him off of hospice because he did so well. He was 80.

I visited him whenever I could.

He died a good death (so they tell me). On Christmas Eve, in 1995, he simply got up off of his scooter thing, sat down in a chair and passed away. A nurse promptly called me and said "I know this is hard to hear, but if a person has to pass away, THIS IS THE WAY TO DO IT." i understood.

Addictions, no matter what they are, rob us and everyone else of various qualities of life.

I am grateful (to whoever is in charge), that I found the strength to stop eating what I was eating and turn myself around. My husband (who never cooked a darn thing in his life), well, he had no choice. He's healthier too.

We try and find something to laugh about every day.

But when I get these phone calls and hear what she says, well, it brings me to a place where I really don't want to be.

I am so sorry for the losses you have endured. You mother sounded like a real sweetheart and I'm glad she was there for you.

I understand your regrets about your brother.

I had regrets about not being able to help my son. But I've talked to professionals and I can't let it kill me. My son is still alive, but has no family values, no family contact, and exists only in virtual reality worlds. THIS IS PROBABLY THE NEW ADDICTION THAT IS GOING AROUND. It's affecting quite a bit of our young people. Mostly young men.

I can either hit myself in the head over this, or I can move on.

I chose to move on. My husband is having more difficulty with this, but we'll get through it. Holidays are the hardest. Judgemental friends and family are even harder. They should walk in my shoes for 5 minutes, then they can tell me what to do.

We can't rescue people. I know this. Sometimes the heart doesn't fully understand but after a while, the head kicks in and I am better.

I can't look at any photographs of my son. They are all turned downward in drawers, and such. My husband had to go through them all so I could get other photos I wanted to see. I took down photos that were on the wall. I put up others.

It's the way my mind works to detach myself form his various addictions. He's a controlling personality with various diagnoses.

Nothing I can do. I gave it 28 years.

Now I have to find my own happiness.

Otherwise I would be dead.

And I DON'T WANT TO BE DEAD!!!

So my dear, I appreciate that you took the time to write to me and share your information.

Here's another hug.



Love Melody