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Vicc · 12-06-2006, 02:53 AM

Hi Lisa,

I had to think about replying to your post; people who don't know me have no idea of what I've posted about this over the past couple of years, others simply couldn't care less, but from replies since I've returned, a few people are genuinely and seriously concerned about me; I have shared many things with them and having gone this far it wouldn't be right to just ignore their feelings about me. Anyway, this is a support forum and you (and my children) are my only supports.

My doc is a neurosurgeon and admits he knows nothing about nutrition. He has, however, arranged phone conferences with two medical nutritionists. My weight loss comes from not eating enough, so for the past year I have concentrated on eating constantly and until I feel uncomfortably overfull almost all the time. This has resulted in a change in loss from 4 to 5 pounds per month to 1 pound, but I can't seem to break that barrier.

There are good reasons for saying I have been depressed my entire life, primarily a teen age mother living near Hollywood during the midst of WWII, who simply ignored me in favor of partying. I was severely malnourashed when my grandparents took custody of me at 10 months old.

It took years before I began to address this depression and my life history clearly reflects this; I dropped out of h.s. with the 2nd lowest GPA in the history of the school (which graduated 1,000 students a year), and joined the Marines with the singular goal of being killed in combat. Since we weren't at war with anyone, I entered a monastery after being discharged; I would simply hide from the world.

I began dealing with my depression when I was 30, and have sought counselling several times when I feel I need help. It is totally impossible to get therapy today, I couldn't endure the pain of traveling to the MHC once a week and can't sit upright for an hour without severe pain, and the MHC has made it clear they will no longer provide any further in-home counseling. My "therapist" is totally incompetent anyway and was no help at all.

While my wife has tried to assault me several times in the past, the last time was 1983, but was always easily restrained and "never laid a glove on me". Physical abuse is not an issue and today she devotes herself to my welfare in every way she can.

My problem is the she began having sex with other men soon after we married, while I did everything I could to pretend nothing was going on, or after she began openly having multiple affairs, pretending it was "just sex" while repressing my true feelings. Three years ago my defenses collapsed and after connecting the dots could no longer pretend her explanations for many things right from the start of our marriage were anything but lies to hide her infidelity. I wish I could just leave her, but I can't. I still care about her.

I have already said there are good reasons for some people decide to end their lives, so if a patient were able to show me such reasons exist I hope I would respect his/her decision. My "therapist", my neuro and some friends here know I plan to end my life before my 65th birthday. It is not my first choice and I continue to look for an alternative, but if I don't find one, the end will come as a blessing.

There are many other issues involved in my decision, but if I can find a way to return to writing about RSD I would find the reason to want to remain alive. Continuing weight loss means I can't meet that goal; I am perceptably weaker today than a month ago.

I certainly would not consider going into huge debt if I find a more serious condition exists, nor would I consider a nursing home. Why do either to try to continue a hopeless and unhappy life. And despite everything my wife has done, it is my reaction that is the real problem; I should get out or get over it, but can't seem to do either.

Things are not quite a bleak as the picture I painted here and in other posts, but I hope to talk about that in a reply to Jose's post on FWs thread about rude people...Vic