Thread: OT: I need to talk about Lynn....
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Old 02-13-2009, 02:01 AM
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Nik-key Nik-key is offline
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Nik-key Nik-key is offline
Senior Member
Nik-key's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: NH
Posts: 1,733
15 yr Member
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No surprise, I can't sleep. I keep going through everything... the pros and the cons... and then going in circles. Should I , shouldn't I?

I think the hardest part for me is the worry if he will be ok. Will he adjust? Will he cry? Will he plead to come home? How do I find the strength to walk away and leave him there in that kind of pain? I'm not sure I can!

Like I said in other posts, I have had to separate him into two people. "My Lynn" who is gone, who I will always love. And this poor bugger trapped in Alzheimer Hell. I love this stranger he has become, because he holds the ghost of my husband. I love him because he is an innocent victim, and I want to protect him.

Goofy, Moss and Koala... do most patients adjust? What will the staff do if he cries? Is there a game plan? Do they divert him? I know what they told me.. but I want to know what you have seen and lived. In short, I trust you more.

One thing I really like about this nursing home is unlike the others I visited who would send him to the psyche ward at the hospital if he has an "episode" - at this place they have their own doctors right there who would adjust and monitor his medications. They have doctors on call 24/7.

I just want what is best for him! If I could only know he would adjust and be as happy as he could be. He has such little quality of life here. He loves his dogs and clings to me. He is up only when I force him .. other than that he would stay in bed all day and night!! I just don't have the skills he needs.

I keep thinking I am failing him. I know that sounds ludicrous... I would tell anyone else the same thing. But this is me, judging me... and I am a hard judge. I feel if I have anything left, anything! I have not done my best. I have let him down.

Alzheimer's has become my personal war. I have fought it for years, every day -blow for blow.. sometimes I even win a battle or two. Even knowing this is a war I could never win, I still had to try! Now, the war is over, and Alzheimer's has won........

I keep thinking, others have had to do this, ((Sue)) I can't imagine ..... but others, are not me, and they are not Lynn. I am going to lay down, TRY to - let go -let God............

Again, thank you all so much for being here for me
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Abbie (02-13-2009), Alffe (02-13-2009), barbo (02-13-2009), Burntmarshmallow (02-13-2009), Curious (02-13-2009), da duck (02-13-2009), GmaSue (02-15-2009), Koala77 (02-13-2009), mistiis (02-14-2009), who moi (02-13-2009)