nik,

the tapestry of friends and their advices is just such, I think, that we take each person's experience and advice (bits of it) that correlate to us the most...it is like a cut and pasting, bits of this and parts of that and making it make sense to us...because we're all so different and no two people are alike...

hopefully, there would be enough from many here that care about you for you to be able to pull from here and there to help you make the decision you need to make...

in the end, if you are NOT ready, you are NOT ready...although you may never be ready...you know what I mean?? I think this is taking that "leap of faith" comes in...

If you were lead to a bridge by a stranger and that bridge is dilapidated and worn but he's telling you that it's OK to cross it and there's no way back, you might have to take that leap of faith by putting your trust in this stranger...

in faith, that Stranger is not a Stranger because some folks call him "God"

God is not a stranger, of course, but at times, he/she can seem far away. It can seem that he/she just isn't listening to our prayers or our pleas or what not...thus God him/herself becomes the stranger but deep within, the person of faith will finally put their trust in him/her...

maybe it is more of a percentage thing, right now you're 30/70...30% ready and 70% not ready..

perhaps you DO feel the need to wait until you're 70/30...if so, then that is so...

for me, I know that it takes great strength to hold on...but it takes a even greater strength to let go, sometimes...

I volunteered at a Children's hospital some years ago...and was lucky enough to have been there when one of them was near death and I got to held her hand when she passed for she and I have bonded like no other...it was very hard to let go once she's passed but it was a gift....she went peacefully and I know that she was ready to go even though I know she wasn't ready as well (I don't want to bore you with the conversations that we had or such, just that from our conversations and visits that I know).

The way she passed was a gift to me...it taught me a few things...one of them was to let go when need be...not saying it is EASY....just that it was something that I learned...

*sigh...as I sigh deeply for you and wish that we can ease your burden somehow, but all we can do is be here for you in this here them forum...

hopefully, you've got some rest, dear friend...

there IS one thing about you that moss and I talked about a bit that we both admire...
you are one of those that have a STRONG inner core that not a lot of folks have...and it IS from that strong core that you'll will pull yourself together and fight through all the pains, tears, and pressures and pains, and in the end, make the right decision....

our love and thoughts are with you...