I have been awake for over 42 hours and yet sleep will not come. Grief, it is a hard thing to overcome. I keep thinking, if there CAN be a blessing with Alzheimer’s, it is that Lynn doesn't know what has happened to him. I keep thinking about the earlier stages, when he knew what was happening to him.. when he pleaded, cried and begged for me to help him end his life.

Of course I couldn't!!!! But, there are worse things than death. This is surly one of them. Not for him, because he is in his own little world. But for me, this is so much harder than if he had died. This is a slow torturous death. You watch helpless as your loved one is being taken away from you inch by inch.

Talking with those of you who have knowledge about nursing care, talking with the staff at the nursing home, his nurse and the doctors.. have made me see this IS a good thing for Lynn. It is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done!!! But, I know he will be safe there, I know they can care for him better than I can. And though I will miss him, I truly do want what is best for him.

I talked with the staff today when I went over. They will help Lynn adjust, they will surround him during this time of transition. We will take it day to day to see if I should visit, or stay away. I see their point, he is not going to remember if I was there, and it would be easier for him to adjust if I wasn't there. *sigh

I know this is best. I will have time to fall apart, and then the healing can begin. For the loss of Dad, and Lynn. I need that. Then, when he is settled, I can visit him without all the stress I have caring for him at home. Right now I am thinking I could go twice a day, share lunch and dinner with him. OH! and I can bring one dog with me to visit him, right in his room!!!

This is the answer to my prayers, I know it. Thank you all for helping me see that. I know at least 2 of his children will be coming with me on Tuesday. As they said, we saw you at your Dad's funeral, you had to be held up, you had to be dragged off his grave.. we can't let you face this alone. As much as I wish they had offered more help with his care, I am deeply moved they are thinking about me during this difficult time.

K, I have NO idea what I just typed... but kept my mind busy for a bit. I want to crawl in a hole and over think things, get depressed... but I wont.... I am going to face this head on! Just as my Daddy taught me.

Much love, and so many thanks Nikki