I want to be in this circle, I need to be in this circle. Sibling survivors, the abandoned ones.

I had a dream last night where I tried to commit suicide by hanging myself just like Mark did. I actually dreamed that I felt the pain of the rope on my neck as I started to hang but I decided not to go ahead with it and managed to free myself. I woke up with fingernail marks in my neck trying to remove the imaginary rope. But for Mark the rope was real, it took away his pain. My psych said I’m unable to overcome feelings of guilt and turning the aggression on myself.

I shouldn’t have read that book Alffe, you’re right. But I did and I can’t get these thoughts, those words out of my head.

I’m going to listen to it now Alffe and can’t wait to hear the story about the cow.