I had a horrific experience yesterday. I am ashamed and still feel like killing myself...but have promised fiance(marc) I won't. I was at a doctors visit as usual every second tuesday and she told me I was failing her rehab...I was not following her instructions and that I am in a self esteem crisis. I am sorry but do you tell a patient you believe is in a self esteem crisis they are failing rehab...but no judgement was said.....I was in so much mental pain, physical pain and had had it.

I came home dropped my bags, ran to the bedroom for the emergency stash of meds and locked the bedroom door and began counting pills to put in my mouth. I was crying and couldn't see them so it took a long time. Marc was panicking of course and b/c the door was locked he bashed it in with his shoulders and took the pills from me and pulled them out of my mouth. I called him every swear word there is known to man/woman and kept at it punching him (of course wth my tos arm) and yelling to get the pills back. I beat the **** out of him and he just kept telling me he loved me and it was okay we would be okay....I didn't believe just wanted to end the suffering of almost 7 years of hell and damn insurance cos. and workers comp...you all know. I had had enough....but I took every piece of anger out on him I bit him I kicked him I yelled at him I punched him and he jst kept telling me he loved me. He said he understood but I had to stop. I couldn't. I threatened to call 911 and tell them he was beating me up to get my pills back......it was REALLY REALLY BAD.....PROBABLY WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

Thank GOD I have an angel named Marc who loves me and protected me but I am so p/o'd at the doc for making me feel worthless, uselss, jobless, hopeless.....any more lesses????? I'm sure you all know them.

I wish I was dead it would take away my pain my suffering and my stupid waste of a life....Marc says I am here for him...do I believe that??????? i don't know....all I know is my fiance is black and blue from me punching and kicking him and he still loves me. He took my anger and let me rage but took the pills(and rightly so) and saved my life. He is an angel. I love him with all I am but I am still depressed and p/od at the doctor...Marc is coming to next visit with her. I can't believe she made me feel so hopeless and useless and like such a failure that she made me want to kill myself.

I know this is a very personal post and I ask that you all respect the hell I have been through. I know you will. You are my guiding light.....of which i could use a lot of right now........

words of wisdom appreciated......reasons to live.......

love and hugs to you all with tears in my eyes,
Victoria