Keep posting...many here who are wise and kind.
Are you going to therapy? Are you going regularly?
Have you told your doctor that your meds don't seem to be right?
It's not all that unusual for changes to be needed.
Surely, therapy and med changes can make a big difference.
Family and friends will hurt horribly if you were to leave this world. Do not kid yourself.
Please be sure to find ways to nurture youself. Have them available to you. Keep them healthy. Find things you like. Each person is different.
Example: Walking, reading, art, talking with friends, cooking, sewing, suduko, crafts, jewelry making, etc.
Again...keep posting...folks here have been through these things.