|
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Way down yonder in the Land of Cotton
Posts: 231
|
A very "Brief Note", that I hope is ok....
Vic,
*Sigh. 
Here we are again My Friend, and here I am, struggling to find the right words to say to you. I have lost count by now, of what numbered attempt this is for me to try to write a response to you on this thread. My thoughts are so many...and I want to say things right...and worry so much that I won't. But, here I am, going to try again. Maybe this one will make it past actually being finished, and possibly even posted? Who knows...won't know until I find out, right? LOL
I remember that "fantasy" you spoke of just now. There are lots of times that I think that I should have said things much differently than I did. While I still don't think that it would have been a good thing for you to do...maybe I shouldn't have killed it as dead as I did, as quickly as I did? I don't know. I just know that I hate to hear all of this hopelessness in your tone now....
Like I said, one of the reasons that I am having such a hard time posting to you on this particular thread, is because I have some very strong emotions about this whole issue. As you well remember, I am sure. I am sad to tell you, that they have only gotten stronger because of things that have happened since you and I used to talk so much. I have suffered too many losses all together in the past couple of years, some of which were from this very topic that you are thinking about (and one that was too damn close for comfort to being a "loss". A loss that I have been dreading and worrying about for years. I get down on my knees and thank God every day that it didn't happen....yet). So...call me selfish when I say, yet again, that I think that this is the worst way to handle things. The most selfish way....and that is from me, who is being selfish right now. Takes one to know one after all, right? I just can not stand to lose someone else that I care about. That is it, point blank, end of story. I have told you this before....I don't know how to say it any other way. Like I said, call me selfish. I don't care. I am.
I had this other post, all typed out and ready to put up here....one that would probably get me drummed out of here by some people, because of the question that I was asking you in it, and my reasons for asking (and defending my question...if that makes sense). I still think that my question has merit, the more I read of what you write about your "Problem". Thing is, I don't want to offend anyone, most of all you, and I fear greatly that my asking this question of mine would do just that, because it very well could cause some kind of theological debate, or....I don't know. "Debate" really isn't a strong enough word. I know of your past, and I know that many folks have a very strict set of beliefs that don't allow for such questions....even if they aren't meant to offend, or question anyone's beliefs, or worse; to be taken as some sort of blasphemy (that might be too strong of a word...don't know for sure). That would not be my intent at all, but I am sure that there would be folks crawling out of the woodwork telling me what an awful person I am for asking such a question, and accusing me of not believing in God, or having any faith or Godliness whatsoever. Since I don't want to cause more troubles...I don't know that asking such a thing would a good thing to do? Who knows...maybe I will yet, as I really do think that it has merit, and I honestly don't see anything wrong with it myself. (And then, there is always the possibility that I am worrying way too much about the whole thing, and that it wouldn't upset anyone so greatly, but only mildly irritate them, or just make them disgusted with me and think me ignorant, or some such. LOL...I have been known to over react sometimes..or worry too much...Right?)
So, I will try to figure out something else to say, instead. At least for now. Especially since this last post of yours is asking for help finding a reason to want to live.
You have already acknowledged that you are depressed. Since you know that, you also know how depression can suck all of the "good" out of everything that we say, try to do, or even think. I think that might be the case with your writing (among other things). The feeling that I am getting from this last post of yours is that you feel that your writing is somehow inadequate, because you have "only an undergraduate degree". Coming from a family that is steeped in academia, I can understand being uneasy about this. But, the fact is that it is possible to do a great many things, and to write and be published where ever you want to be, without the post graduate degrees. I am not saying that it is easy....by no means am I saying that. I am simply saying that it is possible. You have to keep telling yourself that it is so.
I don't know a writer yet that actually likes to go back and re-read their earlier works. Shoot..some of them don't even like reading their new works. If it isn't that your data was corrupted, but just your writing style that you have a complaint about.....well....that is perfectly natural. Even my father, the PhD Guy, will cringe when some of his earlier papers and articles turn up. And you know what? He has gotten things published that have gotten acclaims, only to find out later that the data was wrong. Or the study, or whatever. It happens. So, what I am trying to tell you is that I am not surprised that you don't like your earlier articles. Even though so many people have read them, and have used the info in them (yes...there are folks that have heeded your warnings and advice, and do use the GSE and say that they are all the better for it), I am not surprised that you find them awful. But, you have to keep in mind all of the people that you have already helped. People that don't even post here or on BT anymore, because they are doing so much better. Isn't THAT a reason to want to keep on living?
So...work on your writing, and improve it in whatever ways that you think it needs to be improved. You have a harder time than most other people that write such things, because they at least have colleagues that they can ask to go over their findings, to help check facts and figures, to even help to proof read (yes..even Professors make horrible grammar mistakes sometimes! LOL, and some can't spell worth a CRAP!). They can bounce ideas and such off of other people, and get insights into their writings that way. You don't have such a luxury, since you don't have a dept you are working with, or a bunch of doctors, or other such colleagues to work with or bounce ideas off of, or even to have work with you in some capacity or another.
Basically what I am saying, is that what you are doing is a good thing, and that it is doable, and that it will take you some time to get it done in a way that you like and are comfortable enough with to put out there for journals and what not to look at and consider for publishing. TIME is the key factor here...something that I don't think that you want to hear...but that I am going to say to you at any chance that I get. I will say it because it is true, and because (don't forget...) I am selfish.
The other reasons that I have for you "wanting to live" are the ones that I have said to you time and time again; you have so very many people that care about you, and your loss would cause each and every one of us unbearable pain that would be there for the rest of our lives. I know that in your depressive state, it is easy for you to think "Oh. My family (and friends) will be better off without the burden of myself around to tie them down, or hold them back, or to keep having to worry about and do for..." etc. Vic....nothing could be farther from the truth. You are educated enough to know that what those thoughts are, is simply the Depression talking and messing with your head. You know how it works. It warps how we see things, and more than anything, how we think and feel. To loose you would devastate your family. You know that, somewhere deep inside. And, you also know that this kind of wound IS NOT one that will "Just go away over time", and that they WILL NOT be able to "Forget about it" and/or "Move on with their lives". You know this.....but you don't WANT to know it. You are having people here in this very thread tell you it is so, from their own personal experiences (Lisa M, and now me). Are you saying that you would rather listen to the depression than to people that are telling you that they love and care about you, and would suffer greatly from your loss, and can pretty much give you a good clue about how your family will suffer also?
*Sigh. I am sorry...I told you that my emotions about this are still very strong, and have only become stronger over the past couple of years. I don't want to cause another rift between us.....because I really think that is what happened, and what caused it in the first place. So, I will try to tone things down...Ok? But, Vic...you know me. I will not lie to you, nor will I say that something is "Ok" or agree with something that I don't think is right. I can't pretend that this all is "Ok", because the thought is just too painful...and scary to me. And, I am being a very selfish person.
I think that you have many things to live for. You have your work to be done. You have the thought of the many people you have already helped, and the many more that can be helped if you continue on with your work/writing/research. You have your Family that loves you dearly (I mean...your son is awesome. So many people would give their eyeteeth for such a son that would stand up for their dad [or mom] in such a way! Your other kids too. And their kids....so many people that love you and need you, and can learn courage and strength and SURVIVAL from you! Have you thought of it that way??), and....you have us; the people here who love and care about, and need you too. Like Me.
Aren't those good reasons?
Anyway...LOL..looks like I wrote you yet another "Brief Note" here. It actually looks like this one might even make getting finished, and possibly posted! Hurrah! I have been trying, and trying to post here to you for days now...and like I said at the beginning of this "note", I have lost count of the number of times I have tried to get something written here on this thread to you.
I hope that I haven't said anything that has upset you. I have missed you, so much, and I don't want to have said anything that would cause another rift between us (if that is indeed what happened before? Our "disagreement" on this very topic? That is what I keep coming back to, because it seems that after that, we just kinda sorta drifted apart, as neither one knew what to say to the other? Do you remember it the same?). If I have learned nothing else over these past couple of years, I have learned that time is much too short, and that you never know what will happen, and when you will turn around to find out that it is too late to say all the things that you always wanted to say, but never had the chance. I have learned that sometimes Miracles DO happen, and fences get mended, and lost loved ones found....sometimes because of a terrifying, too close for comfort near tragedy that serves as an eye opener or wake up call, or whatever. A sign from God, if you will; A second chance, too precious to be wasted. I have learned to take opportunities to make sure that the people that I care about KNOW that I care about them....because...well...I want to be sure that they know that. And, I cherish each and every one. That includes you, my Dear Old Friend. We have known each other for way too long to let so much time go without talking or communicating. I have needed you...and I think that you have needed, if not me, then at least some more friendship? Everyone can use friends. I already knew that, but I know it so much better now.
Ok....now that I have gotten all...I don't know what you call it? Philosophical? Not really. There is some kind of "sophical" or at least "ical" word out there to describe it. One that is escaping me right now (LOL, nothing new there, huh?). I think that it is past time for me to wind this now VERY Brief Note up. Maybe I will get around to asking you my other question some time later. I have to give that some more thought.
Be good to yourself. Be careful. You have lots of folks that care.
Much love and many ((hugs))
Jose <-- the quiet shy one that doesn't talk a lot.  LOL
|