Well its two weeks today that he has been in the nursing home. He is adjusting better this week than the first, and I can only hope and pray he will continue to adjust and God willing find some peace.

((twink)) you could never offend me You are right, it was harder on both of us with me being there so much. I could see that being there less was better for him in just 2 days. He no longer paced the halls looking for me. When I went in on the second day, he was laying in bed watching TV. He jumped up when I got there and gave me a huge hug and asked if we were going home. That is still so hard

I wasn't able to go yesterday for the first time due to the snow storm we had. They said he didn't do too badly. He still asks them where I am , but they feel he is starting to adjust. I am not sure if the correct word should be adjust, I think it is more - breaking his spirit

He still isn't eating well. But then again neither am I. They put him on an anti depressant and hope that will help in a couple of weeks. I sure hope so. I know he needs to be there. Sunday he lost his glasses, he was convinced someone stole them. He had a fit! Started throwing things and making fists at me...... sigh....... I went to his nurse and told her I was leaving and how upset he was. As soon as he saw her, his whole demeanor changed. She distracted him while I safely left. I keep telling myself, he needs to be there. He is safe and well taken care of. (see Tina, I am doing my homework )

((Sue)) I don't think I could ever go through this transition period again. Not sure I am going to make it this time. Damn, not sure how you survived doing this 3 times in 2 years! ACCCCK. I am going to give it at least the recommended 30 days.... sigh. They will hold a bed, for $130 a day, but only for medical purposes, like if he had to go into the hospital.

With March here, trying to cope with Dad's suicide, and trying to deal with placing Lynn.. I am in a perpetual state of depression and nausea. My stomach is in knots. I throw up daily, and the damn snow isn't helping with that. I am told I have MMD (major depressive disorder) and PTSD. I am on new medications to try and help with this. But, home just doesn't feel like home any more .. and I don't think any medication can fix that

Everyone keeps telling me it is time to start a new life for me. Go out and enjoy your freedom. Freedom? "My Lynn", his ghost - is being held captive by Alzheimer's relentless torture. He is lost and trapped inside himself. There can be no "freedom" for me until he is released from his hell. Our hell.

I am not sure why I am so nervous about going to see him today. Maybe because I didn't go yesterday, and I worry about the effect it had on him. Maybe because I know I am to face another visit with him asking if we can go home. Or can I just stay with him now.... I know it is the right thing for him. But how can doing the right thing, cause so much damn guilt. Accccck

K, time to get ready... I will try to be back. I need to be here...... thank you all once again for being here with me. Much love my friends