Hi again Jose,

First, nothing you have ever said led to a rift between us. I withdrew from the forum and from everyone and offended many people, and for that, I'm sorry. At the time, it wasn't a matter of choice; it was a combination of my PROBLEM, and my rapidly deteriorating physical that led, in just months, from when I could still walk 25 steps to the bathroom to needing a power wheel chair to make that trip.

My doc is an excellent neuro, but we both know there is nothing he can do for me except "medication management". Neurosurgeons see patients referred for possible, determines whether surgery is appropriate, discharges non-surgical candidates back to their PCP, operates on the others and then discharges them. He has continued to see me for ten years because wc had a doc who was saying I was malingering and he knew that under those circumstances I would have a big problem finding a physician willing to prescribe the dosages of pain meds he knew I needed. Later, the wc law judge appointed him as my physician and entered an order that wc could not refuse to pay for any prescription he wrote.

Since he only sees me for med management and knows my condition will continue to deteriorate, he does not perform any routine examination. If I requested him to, he would, but I have not found any reason to make a request.

Since he only sees me fully dressed, and just every three months, he did not notice my weight loss; neither did I. By the time my weight had dropped from around 175# to 153# and we began to discuss it as a problem, we agreed I needed to start focusing on eating more.

I thought I was eating more, but after 4 months my weight had dropped to 139# and we began treating it as an emergency. You have read my story from there; my weight loss rate dropped to 1# per month and nothing he, two dieticians he referred me to, or I am able to do has been able to affect that.

This leads to part 2: suicide. I have no plan to end my life unless it is learned my weight loss is a symptom of a disease requiring surgery, which I wan't choose, and the disease reaches the terminal stage and hospitalization is required.

I don't need to put a gun under my chin, I am doing a good job of killing myself by slow starvation.

This leads to part 3: what to do next? I interrupted a truly magnificant Joselita size series of posts about something that happened shortly before midnight; something that led me to decide my survival requires that I leave my wife. That's nothing new, I've decided to leave her at least a dozen times; wimping out each time.

(Lisa, something you said just struck home this moment, your friend who can't leave her husband because he'd be totally lost. I think I believe that about my wife, and she has reinforced this by either beginning to show signs of psychotic thinking or behavior, or more recently, telling me that if I leave, she will kill herself).

I may wimp out again this time, but something has changed; my realization that I will have to leave or I will die. If I wimp out now, no one will see that post, but I will leave soon.

OK, I need to say something about last night: I posted earlier that my wife had fallen yesterday, but don't think I've mentioned that my grandson and his fiance have been living here for free for four months in return for caring for me and doing the housework for my wife. They have only barely kept up their end of the bargain.

Yesterday I told his fiance that my wife fall had created a crisis and we would need one of them available all the time throughout the weekend.
She told me she was leaving for Mexico on Saturday morning.

When my grandson got home from work (he started a job about 3 weeks ago), I told him he would have to be available all the time throughout the weekend. He told me he and his fiance had to go to her grandmothers house Sunday to celebrate an early Christmas before she left for Mexico.

I very softly thanked him for his time and he left the room. I had had enough. After waiting until the worst of my anger subsided, I decided I would phone wc, tell them I needed full time care now or I would admit myself to a hospital, and kick my grandson and his fiance out as soon as wc found someone to provide full time care.

I phoned my wife on our intercom (a gift from Sean), and told her of my decision. She reminded me that she had a voice in this too, and she couldn't let me do that. I told her 'ok, then either they go or I go'. She began to cry and asked

"Why are you doing this to me?"

I thought for a moment, then told her 'ok, I surrender, I always do'. I hung up and decided I would leave. This time I have a plan:

I will sneak out as soon as I find the opportunity (I can't risk a confrontation), drive as far as I can, report myself as a victim of elderly neglect and need hospitalization. I will let wc deal with it from there. I will phone my doc, tell his nurse I have admitted myself and request he contact the hospital and confirm the medical need. I have absolutely no doubt that he will.

I will then put in for early retirement, choose the 50% lump-sum option, and wait until they complete the process (the last day of Feb). When I'm ready, I will phone my wife, tell her what I've done and offer her the choice of getting the car back while I get the furniture I need, or I keep the car. I can't use a car, I am too unsafe to drive.

There are other details; she will get half the lump-sum and half the total income but must apply for SSI and appeal any adverse decision. If I decide she is not pursuing SSI the way she should, I will stop paying her and we can let a judge decide.

As a precaution against wimping out, I phoned wc at 8 AM and told my worker that I needed full time help now or I would have to admit myself to a hospital. She phoned back and told me she had found someone, but she couldn't start until Monday morning. I made it clear to her that while it was deeply humiliating to demand full time care when there are two healthy adults in the house, I felt I had no choice if I was to survive.

Another factor arose while writing my "Jose size" series of posts: when I wrote about the specific event that led to my PROBLEM, just typing the words caused me to vomit. There is no way I will be able to complete step 1 of my My "miracle cure". I either leave or I slowly starve myself to death.

As I have been writing this, other necessaries for successfully leaving have come to mind. I hope that it will take only a week to solve these problems and any others that might come to mind. This means that I will have to think about my "Jose post".

I am leaving. I hope that step will resolve my PROBLEM, but I'm sure that staying will aggrevate my weight loss. I finally learned my real value in the home that my checks provide...Vic

PS: I am going to take the unusual (for me) step of not reviewing this post or correcting any grammatical, syntax or spelling errors. I am weak, tired, physically sick and filled with hope,