I have been sitting here for a full two hours, staring at the screen trying to put to words the torture my mind is in.... I can't.

((Alffe)) I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo relieved to see you here tonight. You ground me I know that you know, and I don't feel so alone. Your poor neighbor, I think of her all the time. Even more so this week. She is blessed to have you in her life, as am I

I really appreciate all the hugs, support prayers and love from ALL of you I don't know how I would have survived this year without you

I feel so full of overpowering emotions..... and yet I feel empty at the same time. Such contradictions to be feeling simultaneously.

I'm not suicidal. I will never to do to my family what Dad has done. It is not even a option to think on now. I hurt like hell, I don't want to be here. I truly want nothing more than to end Lynn's hell and go with him.

I wonder sometimes, if people can look down on us from Heaven?

Sometimes, it pains me to think of how devastated Dad would be if he could see the pain he has inflicted on all who love him. I wonder how it must effect him, to see that he has destroyed my life?
His families lives....

Other times I think, everyone says you can't feel pain in Heaven... and then I think, now how unfair is that? His pain has ended, yet look at all the pain he has left behind. Then I feel guilty. The very last thing I want is for Dad to feel pain.

I talk to him all time. No two conversations are ever the same. At times, I cry, rant and scream at him. Other times I beg him to come take me with him. Still other times, I whisper words of love and let him know he will always be my hero.

Yet, every conversation always ends the same ..... no matter how mad I am, I always tell him how much I love him. Then I fall apart. Then comes the question that I know in my heart and soul will ALWAYS haunt me.... until I draw my very last breath, I will always ask.....WHY Dad????? Damn it WHY????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It isn't as simple as asking why he killed himself. That why, is a loaded question.......

Why didn't you let me know?

Why didn't you call me, instead of pulling that trigger?

Why didn't you give me a chance to help you?

Why didn't you let me at the very least say goodbye?

Why didn't you reach out for help? (like you taught me!)

Why didn't you stay and fight? (like you taught me!)

Why didn't you love me enough stay?

Why did you pick the day after your sons birthday?

Why did you shoot yourself right outside the front door?

Why did you make it so we had to see what you had done?

There are many more whys too personal and graphic to post.....

Even more haunting than the whys, are the WHAT IF questions...

It is the what if's that have the power to destroy ones very soul. People say you can feel your heart break. I am here to tell you, you can also feel your soul breaking.