nik,

cover your eyes for this post or skip it...Just a warning...

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I am trying to put myself in that person who just jumped off one of the Twin Towers and I am wondering at that precise moment for that person to reach that decision...

I am trying to put myself in a position where I am terminally ill...I may one day have cancer again, who knows...but for now, I am good...but it does scare me...

so, it is easier for me to put myself in that position if the doctor tells me I am going to die in a few months, and I am in grave pain to the point that I cannot move....

I now am thinking, in those moments...what would my decision be...

If I was trapped on that tower and it was hot and I knew that there was NOT another way out, I would jump. Because it would be on my term...

if I was given a death sentence, I would choose to end my own life. ON my term...

the difference between those and choosing to end life in other ways is that the situations become different...

I think about when I first tried and the last time I tried it. And as I am reflecting, my reasoning has changed.

The first time, when I was 14, it was because I thought that was it for me. That at age 14, that WAS going to be my life the rest of my life. I couldn't walk, I was isolated, and I was in bed all the time...life seemed pretty dark...

the last time I tried it, I was alone also, but for a different reason...part of it was also I was in love with someone that I just didn't have a chance with...and my heart was broken...

and all the times that I THINK about it between the times and after the times that I tried. Those times are a little bit different...

sometimes, it could be simply something as a trigger that can send me flying...but I can CONTROL those urges...

I am NOT sure, til this day WHY I did try those few times...I have to tell you, it took every ounce of my being to try those times. It was NOT easy...

I even tried to talk myself out of it....getting to that point was like rolling a dice and saying F* it....

I look at my average temper and there are times when I get really angry and all I see IS red and I would say F* it even though the decision would be horrible consequences which I actually DO know what the outcome would be...

I'd still say, F* it....

as I've gotten older, those F* it moments are far and inbetween now...

anyways, just thinking out loud....I have been insomnic again...hate these cycles...

David, that's a good question you've raised about Jesus...I think Ghandi knew he was going to die also...

the thought of martyrdom is something else that is interesting in this suicide spectrum....